How to Make Your Husband Listen

Today's blog was written by my illustrious cousin, Dr. Electrica Venue. She has a PhD in Extrapolation from the prestigious University of the Principality of Sealand, where she also minored in both Nullification and Obfuscation. She now serves her Alma Mater as the dean of her field, and has made several televised appearances, on shows such as "Good Morning Sealand!" and "Great Sous Chefs of the North Sea." *


Recently I conducted a relationship study among the population of Sealand. I had observed that a great communication rift exists between men and women, especially married couples. I was fascinated by the claims of some women who say their husbands never listen, and in turn by those of the men in question, who confess they have no memories of even conversing with their wives.

Over the course of several months I studied these couples in their natural habitats, and made some fascinating observations. I believe the conclusions I came to can be of an enormous help to marriages everywhere, and am delighted to share them with you here on my cousin's blog.

Two years ago or so a study found that as men age they gradually lose their ability to hear high-pitched sounds. Of course, women tend to have high-pitched voices. It was not specified, however, whether the loss was physical or psychological in nature. I believe (though my husband disagrees) that it's quite possible that men deliberately, yet unconsciously, shut out such frequencies; as evidenced by my own observations that this phenomenon is particularly distinct among married men.

In fact, I found through my own studies that within two weeks of a marriage ceremony, a man's ability to hear high-pitched sounds decreases nearly 25% -as opposed to a mere 10% decrease among bachelors of the same age- a percentage which increases dramatically upon the birth of a child.

To get an idea of what your husband hears when his wife speaks, play a bit of this video. Only a few seconds are necessary.


You see the problem. It doesn't matter how important the information is that you're trying to convey, he simply cannot hear you. You may as well be speaking another language.

There is hope.

As I worked with my volunteers, I noticed that occasionally a word or phrase might come up that would jolt the husband into a state of awareness. The first time this occurred the couple had sat down to a chicken supper and the woman asked, "What'll it be, Sweets? Breast or thigh?" The man's heart rate accelerated dramatically and his pupils dilated so much he could have delivered a baby through one of them with ease. As a result he could not help but actively listen as his wife went on to detail her thoughts on new ways to trim their shrubbery.

It was quite a breakthrough, and I began to watch for such occasions, making note of the key words and phrases that caused this reaction. Here are a few examples:

Chaps
Nurse
Score
Pie
Navy

I've never quite understood that last one, but it quickly became clear that words referring to sex, a favored sport, or baked goods served to buy the women at least thirty seconds of actual unadulterated attention. It was amazing to watch.

I began to give the women lists of words to use when speaking to their husbands. I had to tailor these lists of course, one man's football is another man's crotchless panties. The results were incredible, and I believe some marriages may have really been saved.

I encourage you to try this on your husband. When you see his eyes begin to glaze over, try slipping a word into the conversation that will jolt him back. In a very dire situation you might simply try shouting "Sex!" Or "Beer!" Keep in mind that repetition of key words over time will dull the effect, so mix it up a little and be creative.

I'd like to thank Memarie for letting me take over her blog today, and I hope you all keep an eye out for my new book, The Proper Care and Heeding of Wives, coming out Winter 2008 from Sealand Press.

* This blog entry is a JOKE, and Dr. Electrica Venue is as fictional as her studies are. Therefore do not take it seriously. I do believe she has some good points though. -Memarie Lane