Me! Me! Me!

I was tagged by Not the Queen for this fun photo meme, which made me very happy because I was planning to do it anyway, and now I have an excuse.

My age:

Place I'd like to travel:

Favorite Place:

Favorite Thing:

Favorite Meal (Pad Woon Sen):

With (Thai iced tea):

Favorite Color:


Nickname (I'll let you wonder about this one):


Birthplace:

Favorite Animal:

Where I live:

Name of a Past Pet (Marguerite, she wasn't mine but it felt like she was):

Past Love:

My First Name:

Middle Name:

Bad Habit:

First Job:

Grandmother's Name (she went by her middle name):

I'm not tagging anyone, but feel free to do it and let me know. Now I have to do some damage control, Rashid just ran off on me. This time I just might have to squash him.

Aloha Friday- Special Guest!

Would you believe this is post number 95? I'm going to have to start working on that 100th post thing now because coming up with 100 things about me will be a real challenge. I can barely think of one and it's a pretty boring one.

For this week's Aloha Friday, I have a surprise guest. As many of you are aware, our apartment building suffers from a crippling German cockroach infestation. After a long and hard battle, the property management company has begun a monthly pest control service, which means they pay a twelve year old kid to come into each apartment with a rolled up newspaper and whack away. Pretty much anyway, that may as well be their method for all the good they're doing.

So we're on a first name basis with some of these roaches. They're quite friendly, and always look so surprised to come across one of their cousins' carcasses, recently flattened by my bug smasher of choice, an LED light. But they get over it pretty fast.

I'd like you to meet Rashid. Rashid is not just any roach; he has psychic abilities. He told me this one day as he stood poised over a prime muffin crumb, frozen in the ominous shadow of my LED light. Naturally I didn't believe him, people roaches will say anything in the face of certain death.

But then he said, "Wait! I'm getting a message for you right now! It's... it's... a letter. Does the letter 'S' mean anything to you?"

"Omigod!" I said, dropping the LED light with both shock and awe, however you want to take that. "'S' is the third letter of my middle name!"

Since that fateful day, Rashid has successfully predicted many things for me. All I have to do is keep him in crumbs, and he'll answer any question I might have. And not just about me, but about anything! Like, he told me last week who would win Dancing With the Stars. And he can predict the price of gas at the station near my house to within 9/10 of a cent (no, the sign is not visible from the window, I checked)!

After a lot of cajoling and the promise of a chocolate chip, Rashid has agreed to answer your questions! And if it goes well, who knows, maybe he'll do it again in the future. This is especially generous of him considering that he's a nocturnal creature, so please bear that in mind if he doesn't answer right away. I'll try to keep him awake by spilling a bit of coffee and setting my LED light out conspicuously.

So for Aloha Friday this week, go ahead and ask Rashid anything you like. Lottery numbers, sports scores, anything!

Small print: Rashid is a roach, and therefore cannot be held liable for incorrect or unsatisfactory answers. I serve merely as his interpretor, so don't shoot the messenger.

Play With Yourself!

There are so many fun things to do on the Intrawebb nowadays. I remember way back in the day, circa 1994, figuring out with my friend Nick how to have an instant message conversation via our fathers' banking connections. We thought it was the coolest thing ever, and I printed out our conversation to show our friends. They wouldn't believe us and thought we'd simply typed it up to trick them. Boy would I like to remind them of that!

By the time I give up the ghost I'm counting on being able to have my consciousness uploaded to an Internet database. You can cremate my body and sprinkle the ashes over all the big computer banks in Langley, Virginia. Then I'll be free to surf forever, and the blogs will never end. Until then, I make myself content with my menagerie of little digitized Maries.

I made this one at Meez. Meez is pretty fun, and mostly free. You can pay for stuff like wings and motorcycles, but mine is pretty accurate just with the free stuff. Except for the kitchen that is, this is the closest I'll ever come to having such a clean nice kitchen.



And of course I've been Simpsonized. If you haven't been Simpsonized, be aware that it takes FOREVER, and often fails. I wasn't able to complete my Simpsonization until my 4th attempt, after a couple weeks. This kitchen is much more realistic.

Today I found out you can also turn yourself into a South Park character. This was very easy and user friendly. However I couldn't get their site to save my cartoon or to give me the code for it, even after I fulfilled their annoying requirements. If you do this, just take a screenshot to get the picture and save yourself a headache.

I was going to Elf myself as I've seen a lot of people do lately, but the site seems to be extremely popular, I couldn't get it to load.

So if I die young(ish) at least I can take comfort in the knowledge that a small portion of me has been immortalized in html.

A Bedtime Story

So. How I got Jessamine, at long last, at the tender age of 27 months, to sleep in her own bed. We're on night five or six or thereabouts.

I really enjoyed co-sleeping with Jessamine. We'd tried it with Max, but he just isn't a snuggler and would squirm all over the bed. Jessamine, however, was the prefect bed-mate. She was my lovey and my own personal heater, all tucked up against me with her legs thrown over mine and her fuzzy little head nestled under my chin. But not only was she getting too old for co-sleeping to continue, Max was beginning to feel left out, Brad was getting antsy, and I kept imagining all the things I could be getting done in the evenings if I weren't such a slave to a toddler's bedtime.

First I tried laying down with her in her bed, then sneaking away once she fell asleep. But her bed is a bottom bunk, and getting out of a bottom bunk without cracking my head on the top is not easily done. On those occasions that I did manage to sneak back to my bed without waking her, she'd wake up an hour later anyway and climb into bed with me, and I'd be too tired to push it. In fact I welcomed my little heater with open arms. So we were back to square one.

Brad's plan was to just make her stay there and Cry It Out like a baby being crib trained, which would mean that the only one getting any sleep would be Brad, who was in the Army and could sleep through Armageddon. Not acceptable, the kids and I need sleep too.

Some sleep experts advise sitting in a chair in the child's room until they fall asleep, then gradually moving the chair closer to the door until it's out of the room altogether. I decided to turn that around a bit. Instead of putting her down in her bed, I tucked her into my bed, then sat nearby and worked on the laptop. Once she fell asleep I climbed in next to her. The key, I figured, was teaching her to fall asleep by herself. Allowing her to learn how to do so in the bed most familiar and comfortable to her would facilitate things. We have a king sized bed with plenty of room, so while I slept next to her, I tried to keep some distance, only moving in to snuggle if she started getting antsy. Thus to get her used to sleeping without snuggling.

For the first few nights she really struggled and it took a very long time for her to fall asleep. But I was right there to comfort her, if not physically, and after a week or so she was falling asleep without protest within a few minutes. Then we simply put her down in her bed instead, not joining her at all, and it's gone very well. Occasionally she will wake up once, and I will go give her a hug and tell her to go back to sleep. And she does. And it's been great.

However, she has been taking her revenge in other ways. I've seen a positive difference in Max, he no longer feels excluded from the family bed and his attitude is much better as a result. Jessamine on the other hand, who has always been an obedient Mama's girl, has become obstinate and resentful, throwing tantrums and such, which she never used to do. She is two, so I suppose it was inevitable, but I do think this is a direct result of her banishment.

So if you have a child who you're trying to get to sleep all night in his or her own bed, I do recommend this gentle approach. It definitely worked well for me. But be aware that when one window opens, another must close.

The Possibilities are Endless

I'm blogging early today because I'm expecting a HUGE Avon order this afternoon, which will be a lot of work to sort out and bag up and deliver and such. It's very rare for me to get such a big order, but my few customers are doing Christmas shopping through me. I'm enjoying it while it lasts, come January I'm sure I'll be back to the occasional lipstick order.


I decided to have some fun and put together a wish list on Amazon for Christmas. Usually I pick two or three items and just give the links to Brad, but that left me with no surprises on Christmas morning. One year I made Brad a HUGE list to give him more options, but he one-upped me. He went to Wal-Mart, picked up every last thing on my list that they sold there, and put it all on layaway. He brought the list home so I could see the prices and decide which ones I wanted to keep. He thought he was being so clever. It was like trying to choose between a Lindt truffle and a Lindt truffle.

So while I was browsing around Amazon, I saw a category called "everything else." What could be in there? I wondered. An assortment of kitchen sinks? Har har har. I didn't come across any sinks, but I did find this:

The Quick Fix synthetic urine is premixed laboratory urine designed to protect your privacy during a urinary drug test (THC, marijuana, cocaine, extasy, polluatnts) or nicotine test. The Quick Fix is unisex so a male or female can use it to pass a drug test or nicotine tests. To ensure passing a urinalysis, the Quick Fix contains all the ingredients normally found in urine and is balanced for pH, specific gravity, creatinine, and several other urine characteristics. The Quick Fix bottle comes with an attached temperature strip and heating pad to ensure the sample is at body temperature. The Quick Fix contains two ounces of synthetic urine as required by the DOT guidelines.

Synthetic urine? I don't even know where to begin. My first thought was of a guy playing W.O.W., talking on his headset, pausing every now and then to wee into a specially made funnel that distributes the product into several two-ounce bottles, checking his Pay-Pal account now and then to rake in the dough. What genius! Why didn't I think of that? I've been literally flushing drug- and nicotine- free gold down the toilet for years!

A girl I once knew told me about something that happened to her while she was visibly pregnant and waiting to see her obstetrician. A girl who was not visibly pregnant sat next to her and started a friendly conversation. After a few minutes, the girl lowered her voice and asked if she could buy some of her urine. A young man sitting nearby was her boyfriend, whom she was desperate to keep, and was there to see a positive pregnancy test for himself. My friend didn't know what to say, and was relieved that her name was called at that moment.

Another friend had a similar story. She was waiting to see her obstetrician, also pregnant, and another very pregnant girl sat next to her. This girl looked very distraught. She whispered to my friend that she was there to take a drug test, and if she failed, as she was sure to do, her baby would be taken from her at birth, as another baby had been. In this case when my friend was called back she told the nurse what happened, and was never really sure if she'd done the right thing.

It's hard to know what to do in situations like that, in fact I couldn't tell you what I would have done myself. Clearly both women needed various levels of help, which my friends were unqualified and unprepared to give. And the second woman's situation is so wound up with various moral, ethical, and political issues that I don't dare touch it. I'm sure many people see drug tests as invasive and excessive, and I do believe they can be, but when it comes to general public safety they definitely have their place. So while the sale of urine is pretty darn funny, its purpose really isn't.

As far as I can tell this company does not sell pregnant versions of their "synthetic" urine, but I'm sure there's a black market. It makes me wonder what other potential goldmines are lurking out there. Might there be a market for used tissues? Cause I've got plenty of those.

Pass the Tofurkey

After several years of news stories about hormones, antibiotics, disease, and genetic tampering in the livestock industries, my parents have decided to go vegetarian. This seems to be a little shocking to some people, especially as far as my dad is concerned; he just doesn't seem like the type. I mean, the man wears suspenders.

As my parents get ready to move out here late next month, I've been wondering what on earth I'm going to feed them, thinking of ways to omit meats from my usual recipes or substitute beans. Tofu simply ain't gonna happen. All this wondering reminded me of a family dinner we had when I was around ten years old. We were eating hamburgers, and when my dad was about halfway done with his he realized he'd forgotten to put the meat in. What was most amazing to him was that when he made this realization, he'd just been thinking that it was the best burger he'd ever had. Remembering this, it occurred to me that my dad's always been a vegetarian, trapped in an omnivorous culture.

I think I could go vegetarian if I wanted. When I was single and had my own place I rarely ate meat, my usual dinner was rice with steamed veggies. But Brad is a carnivore of the sort that can compete with the legendary killer "ghost" lions of Kenya -and has the gout to prove it- so we never have meatless meals. If I were to go vegetarian it would be for the same reasons as my parents, simply because its the healthier option, when done properly.

A year or two ago, I asked on a forum what people were doing to try to make the world a better place. Several people said they were vegetarian, and left it at that. I've been confused ever since. How does eating vegetarian make the world a better place? It seems to me like more of a personal choice, not something that would have an effect on the world at large. It could be said that boycotting could force the livestock industries to abandon their nefarious practises, or to reduce their stock, which could cause a reduction in the cow fart issue we hear about occasionally. But the growers of our fruits and vegetables do all of the same things. Is eschewing the one not an endorsement of the other?

I'd really like to be educated on this. Convince me, people! If you argue strongly enough, maybe I can even get Brad on the wagon.

Close Encounters of the Linky Kind

I'b still sick and biserable (I'll spare you the details), but I wanted to get on here and share some stuff. As you know, I've been pretty darn lucky with giveaways, I won nine last month! There are still three that I haven't received, but I'm going to just count myself lucky and blessed that I have received six.

In this picture, Jessamine is wearing a designer children's necklace from this site. I'm not sure what name to call the company, I thought it was Simbako or something like that, but the box says Tiny Angels, which takes me to DeAnna Cochran. It's a beautiful necklace at any rate, I wish it was more visible in this picture.

Also she is wearing a Holiday Red and Clear Crystal bracelet from ShersWares. Sher is a fellow New Mexican (and a fellow former Southern Californian new New Mexican at that), and she makes beautiful, durable, and unique jewelry for babies and little girls. I still can't believe how sparkly this bracelet is. You can enter to win a $25 gift certificate to ShersWares site by participating in our Deck the Blogs contest.

And the lovely hair bow was handmade by me (learn how to make your own with my tutorial).

And finally, the piece de la resistance, I just received this lovely necklace from Terence Chang's aptly named ProFashion Jewelry. I've heard many women wail about how they have no sense of style, myself included. I don't think that's really true, I think there just comes a point when a woman gets tired of the ditz-eriffic language and misogynistic leanings of the fashion magazines we grew up with, and simply don't have the time or energy to follow the trends anymore. But style isn't about trends or wearing whatever Anna Wintour says, it's about choosing and wearing things that you like, things that positively express who you are.

It's easy to find things like that on Terence's site. Each piece is elegant and expressive. And while some vendors offer items that might appeal to only a certain group, Terence offers an array of designs that vary from posh to bohemian. This pendant is the perfect marriage of beauty and art. Here in New Mexico, silver and turquoise jewelry is as prevalent and as expected as green chiles on food, but this piece really stands out among the others. Everywhere I go people ask me where I got it!

And Terence is offering another pendant as a prize in our Deck the Blogs contest. It's easy to play and easy to win, just in time for Christmas.

I also wanted to share a site that Max has been really enjoying. Max loves to use the computer, and over time I've tried out several sites that offer free games for kids, but nothing that really blew me away.

But we found Up to Ten a couple days ago, and I continue to be impressed. There are literally hundreds of games, all high quality, educational and fun. They constantly add new games too. You can even choose to view the site in other languages: French, Spanish, Italian, or Dutch. Max prefers French. There are premium memberships available for a small fee, but the free areas are excellent as is. There are games and activities for all ages up to ten, hence the name. I highly recommend this site for any computer loving kid.

Now I'm going back to my lair bed, hope you all check this stuff out and have a great Sunday.

I'm sick

So I give you this video, to get you into the Christmas spirit while I drink large amounts of scalding tea and read a nice thick book in the shelter of my down comforter. I guarantee that after seeing this video you will look at Christmas in a whole new light.

Marie's First Snow

Why am I so mesmerized by precipitation?

A Snowy Aloha Friday, and Winners up the Wazoo!

This is the view from my window this morning. No, there wasn't a seagull invasion, it's snow! I can't wait for the kids to get up so they can see.

Here's my Aloha Friday question. I know that when asked what we want for Christmas, we martyrs mothers tend to say stuff like "world peace," "for so-and-so to come home," and "for uncle such-and-such to get better." I know, me too. All noble wishes. What I want to know is one THING you want for yourself for Christmas.

I'm thinking about putting together an Amazon wish list for Brad myself, and unfortunately world peace and such aren't available on there. I'd really like a nice desk with lots of drawers. Why don't desks ever have drawers anymore? I'd also like a new printer, ours died several weeks ago and I'm tired of handing my customers receipts handwritten on stationery from Big Dogs that says "Cuz I'm the Mom! That's why!"

I have four winners to announce this week, so here goes.

The winner of the Sporty Smurf mug from HappyDashery is Joanna.

The winner of a handcrafted item from Northwind is Laura.

The winner of a $10 gift certificate to Paola's Store is Heather H.

And the winner of the template from Chickpea Designs is Amanda.

Our Deck the Blogs contest is now open, so go check it out now for your chance to win something sparkly!

Dear Minda and Delanie...

We've been friends for many years. Best friends even. We've been through a lot together, grew up together, laughed and cried together, and got each other through stirrup pants, puffy bangs, and NKOTB. Once, when we were still in high school, I remember Mary Mom telling us that there would come a time that we would grow apart. We firmly dissented. That would never happen to us! We would always be best friends, no matter where our lives would take us. And while that has been true so far, I'm afraid the prophecy has now come to pass.

You've been replaced.

You see, I got my hair cut a couple days ago, and it looked terrific. Until I tried to blowdry it myself. You remember in 7th grade when Cathy Loveless tried to grow out her hair from very short and it looked like a sort of female mullet? Well that's what mine looked like this morning, except curlier, and not in a good way. We had planned to take our Christmas pictures downstairs this morning, and there I was with a freaking mullet. If that wasn't bad enough, I'm currently going through that special time in a woman's life when her otherwise clear skin becomes a volcanic landscape and her otherwise flat belly goes on strike. I looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

I sent Brad next door to see if my neighbor Cynthia had a curling iron I could borrow, and he came back with a flat iron. I grumbled about it not being quite what I asked for, and plugged it in to see if my hair could be salvaged in any way. Ten minutes later, I had perfect hair! My change in mood was so immediate and favorable that if it hadn't been Thanksgiving Brad was prepared to go out and buy me one STAT, along with the biggest bottle of Midol Sam's has to offer. When I tried to return it, Cynthia said I was welcome to hang onto it for as long as I liked. And I like.

So, Minda and Delanie, while you will always hold a special place in my heart and in my myspace top 8, my "new" flat iron now has the place of honor on my bathroom counter. I'm sure you understand.

If you haven't entered my current giveaway yet, do it now! I will be drawing and announcing the winners tomorrow.

Snowshowers?

That's what we're supposed to get tomorrow. Can one of you cold-weather types explain to a desert rat what a snowshower is? I thought snow just kind of floated down. I'm both excited about and fearful of experiencing my first snow. Of course I don't really see myself in the snow, but looking out at it. Jack Frost can only nip at my nose if he rings the doorbell first, and if he does he'd better have a package for me.

We're going to my Aunt Lois' house tomorrow, and my cousin Michelle will be there, who I haven't seen since I was six or so. We're bringing two pumkin rolls, a bean salad, and some pumpkin dip with granny smith apples. It's a little strange having moved to a place with relatives in it that I've had very little contact with growing up, it seems like we should have an intrinsic familiarity simply due to being related. And yet we're strangers. I know its only a matter of spending time together and getting past the awkward bits. Lois has a lot of books, and that alone is enough to make me like someone.

Christmas will be interesting, and different, in a good way. My parents finally sold their house in California and are moving here (Mom says last week of December, Dad says first week of January). Their plans to move here are the very reason we moved here; we both grew up with long-distance grandparents and really want our kids to know theirs better. We can't wait for them to get here, we're going to do our best to help them find a nice place to live close enough to us that we can dump the kids on them as often and regularly as we like visit often and borrow sugar and such.

And have holidays together again! Although my parents are vegetarians so we might be looking at stuff like Tofurkey. Hmmm.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow of course, it being NaBloPoMo and all, but you probably won't be because you probably are one of the sane people abstaining from it. So Happy Thanksgiving!

Jewelry Foolery

Like many little girls, my (27 month old) daughter wants to be Just Like Mommy. In some ways its endearing, like when she asks me to put deodorant on her, and in others its frightening. Like when I caught her pushing buttons on the laptop and she gave the excuse that she was "making a blog."

I wasn't sure at first what to do when she started asking to wear my earrings. We aren't opposed to ear piercings, but we want her to have the option when she's older, when piercings may well be thought of as outdated. I tried the little ear stickers but she knew they weren't real so she wasn't interested. So one day I had a sudden inspiration, and I simply hooked the wires of my earrings over the tops of her ears. Voila! She gets her earring fix without the holes. For now anyway.

If you're visiting from Works for me Wednesday, please check out my photo tutorials on the sidebar, under "Try This at Home."

Now, tell me. What do you think of this:

You like?

Would you like, perhaps, to own it? For free?

This necklace, generously provided by the very talented (and very cute) jeweler and entrepreneur Terence Chang of ProFashion Jewelry, and other fabulous prizes are up for grabs for participants of Deck the Blogs, a fun Christmas contest hosted by myself and Stacey. Go check out the details, the contest launches on Friday!

Men!

Not as in "men are pigs" or "that gosh-darn husband of mine left the toilet seat up again," but as in "aha! There they are!"

I finally got a haircut today. My Posh Spice 'do had grown and expanded to the point that not even a ponytail could make it presentable any longer, and with Christmas pictures being imminent, something had to be done. So Brad kindly came home for a bit this afternoon to have some daddy time with the kids (convenient that this daddy time coincided with naptime, isn't it?) while I went in search of a weedwhacker.

I went to a Style America, which I suppose could be described as the Target of salons. Good product, clean floors, hygienic stylists, reasonable prices. Since it was 2:00 in the afternoon I thought the place would be deserted, but it was packed. With men! I took a quick glance around to make sure they took care of women too, and there was a shot of a woman with spiky blond hair amidst all the GQ models on the walls, so I sat down and waited.

These weren't just men either, they were cuties! Single, if their flat and toned midsections were any indication (as they usually are), and straight, judging by their chair spacing, sprawled legs, and the way they were all staring at the ceiling, which was the only place one could avoid locking eyes with either a man or a photo thereof. They came in with clean, shaggy, fluffy heads full of hair, shaking them occasionally like wet dogs, and left with gelled spikes and visible scalps.

Seeing men in a setting like this makes me want to bake cookies. Like seeing a guy at the store with a cart full of Mountain Dew and Hungry Man dinners. I want to sit them down to a proper meal, put them in the bath (I won't look, I swear!), then read them stories and tuck them into bed. And I want to tell them to keep their hair, that they look much cuter with it!

I was lucky enough to be seated next to the magazine table. The only choices were men's hairstyle books and old copies of Men's Health. I picked up a Men's Health, as it was going to be a long wait.

OMG ladies we have been reading the wrong magazines! I've always wondered why women's magazines are full of pictures of women. If I want to see a woman, I'll go look in the mirror. The ads in Men's Health were so laden with sexy men that my Gaydar began to wail and my ears turned bright red from embarrassment. Did anyone see me looking at that underwear ad? They were looking weren't they? They saw just where I looked and for how long and now I understand why none of them are reading Men's Health.

I flipped quickly through the ads to get to the articles. There were several about sex, but there were others about actual health, finances, career stuff, and diet. There were recipes in there! I read several articles, and they were very good. The editors clearly have more respect for their readers' intelligence than do the editors of any of the women's magazines I've picked up. They were interesting, thought provoking, informative, and full of beautiful language. And girls? The sex stuff was right on the money.

I thought about asking if I could buy the magazine from them when I left, but realized that as busy as Brad is the only thing I'll ever get him to read these days is the gas gauge. But! Say I got him a subscription for Christmas. He'd never read it, but there'd be all these issues floating around, and no monitoring the dilation of my pupils should I happen to pick one up. A perfect gift, for him for me! And I can just let my subscriptions to all those magazines full of dumb-isms and photos of women trickle away.

My first book review!

I was very excited a few days ago when I received my first book to review. I was in the middle of another book, so I didn't read it until today. Yep, I read the whole thing this afternoon, all 343 pages. I am an avid reader, and I have a very difficult time putting a book down in general, but sometimes (not often) a storyline gets me so tightly in its grip that it would take some serious power tools to pry me off of it.

Chill Out, Josey! by Susan May Warren: In her faith-based romantic sequel to Everything’s Coming Up Josey, Warren picks up with Josey Anderson, née Berglund, as a young newlywed. Josey longs to live an ordinary life in her hometown of Gull Lake, Minn., but her husband, Chase, loses his job and accepts a new one in Russia (unbelievably not telling her about the first or asking her about the second). Josey finds herself mostly alone and pregnant in Russia, listening to a friend lecture, "Did it ever occur to you, Josey, that God sent you here not because Chase needs you, but because you need God?" ... Readers who like liberal doses of faith in their fiction, newlywed wranglings, and lots of details about clothes (even bad clothes that don’t fit) and food might enjoy Warren’s latest.

I wasn't too sure about this book at first, it deals partially with the whole wives submitting to the husbands thing, which is a very touchy subject for many. "Submission" can be -and has been- defined in many ways. It was broached in this novel not as a puzzle to be worked out but as a matter of course, the main character frequently giving up her own desires trying to be the perfect wife for her husband, without much consideration over how he should be treating her in return. I found that troubling: how can a marriage remain healthy as long as one spouse is sacrificing everything and the other nothing?

In fact that is the crux of the story, how one woman came to realize she was chasing the wrong definition of perfection. She saw herself as a cross between June Cleaver and Lara Croft instead of simply accepting herself, and that she can be loved as herself, and building on that foundation.

The story was very engaging, and much more riveting than what I have generally learned to expect from Christian fiction. Another nice surprise was that Warren refers frequently to marital sex, in a wholesome way, which most Christian writers avoid. These references make the relationship much more believable and relatable, although the husband's only redeeming characteristic, in my opinion, was his good looks. I'm sure if I read the remaining books in the series I'd have a better opinion of him.

Overall, the book was riveting, and I would recommend it for a good bathtub read. I'm very interested in reading the other books in the series, and Warren's other books as well.

An Obligatory NaBloPoMo Post!

I'm trying to relax, I've really been overdoing the blogging. I tried to avoid the computer as much as possible today. I got a lot done: did some vacuuming, made some pumpkin rolls, washed my internet urinal, all sorts of stuff. I feel very accomplished and not altogether prepared to jump back on the Blogwagon. I've decided to postpone the colonic blog yet again, I just can't wrap my head around something as deep as the sphincter at the moment (I'm not saying my sphincter is deep, I'm saying that sphincter discussion in general is beyond my intellectual grasp at the moment).

So where does a girl turn when she needs to touch up her mental roots? After spending a few minutes at Perez Hilton (like, omigod, Julia Roberts parked in a handicapped spot??? I am so burning my Pretty Woman DVD), I headed over to my myspace page to see if there were any surveys I haven't filled out yet asking things like if I have a crush on someone or what my most embarrassing moment was (like I'd tell!). I was staring at the page, my eyes glazed over like a pair of pillowy Krispy Kremes, when I noticed the ads.

Myspace apparently has some sort of creepy bot program that analyzes your data to tailor their ads to individual specifications. Here are my choices (links not included):

Selling Avon- Chat with other moms about your work at home business. Okay, that makes sense, I am an Avon rep.

Albuquerque NM Lodging- Know which Albuquerque hotel to book with our real customer reviews. Erm- I live here? I need a hotel for what? Secret rendezvous with the guy that drives the ice cream truck?

Serenity Tees 2 for $30- Leading source for Serenity movie & Firefly TV t-shirts and hoodies. Alright, I have a Firefly quiz thingie on my page. I am Zoe Washburn.

Buy a Car With Bad Credit- 4 dealerships in Albuquerque for those with less-than-perfect credit.

Okay, that's quite enough. Where do they get off making assumptions about my credit? My credit is hopeless just fine, thank you! And I happen to love my 1985 Nissan Maxima station wagon that I share with my husband who works 12 hours a day 7 days a week, I would kill for not even consider another car. That is just creepy.

Don't forget to enter my latest giveaway, it's a doozy!

An Etsy Giveaway Extravaganza!

This is not a sponsored post.

Etsy is a recent discovery for me, and I just can’t get enough of it. It’s like suddenly finding a new ice cream section in the neighborhood grocery store, full of thousands of new Ben and Jerry’s flavors, and trying to decide which one I want to taste first.

What is Etsy exactly? Here is an explanation from Etsy’s press page:

Etsy is an online marketplace for buying and selling all things handmade. We built it for those consumers conscious of the true value of handmade goods and their creators, as well as to give all independent artists the technology and information they need to make a living, making things. Our intention is to offer viable alternatives to mass-produced objects in the world marketplace, and to encourage consumers to be aware of the social and environmental implications of their purchases.

The connection between producer and consumer has been lost. We created Etsy to help them reconnect, and swing the pendulum back to a time when we bought our bread from the baker, food from the grocer, and shoes from the cobbler.

Our vision is to build a new economy and present a better choice: Buy, Sell, and Live Handmade.

There’s been a lot of discussion lately about how little we know about what we’re buying, where it came from, and what quantities of lead and date rape drugs we’ve been ingesting. When you buy from an Etsy shop, you know exactly what you’re getting and who you’re supporting, and it feels really good to know that there is still a way to have some control over the flow of our economy.

It simply isn’t possible to see all of Etsy. There are thousands of stores in dozens of categories, and they’re constantly changing as sellers explore new techniques and find new ways to express themselves. I barely scraped the surface and found some great stuff, and some wonderful people. Some of these wonderful people have put together special offers just for my readers, and prizes too! I’ve put these in bold to make it easier on my fellow ADD sufferers. ;)


Holly, an illustrator and designer, makes vinyl decals that make it easy to beautify (or cute-ify!) any space, and are especially nice for us apartment dwellers who aren’t allowed to paint.

Vinyl Wall Art decals let you change the look of your room as much as you like. Bedrooms, Kitchens, Living Rooms and Offices can all look like a new room in just a few minutes.Vinyl Wall Art is designed to last for years. It can be applied and removed without damaging the paint so you can try as many looks as you want, whenever you like.


Mamadama Designs can help you dress up your travel tissue packets, your cell phone, MP3 player, and even your cup of coffee. The cup cuddlers are my favorite, imagine how many cardboard sleeves you could save if you used one of these, and how cool you’d look doing it!

All of my items have been personally designed and created with care and quality materials. Then they have been tested for durability and functionality by myself and others. Sewn items are double stitched with reinforced stress points. I use natural and organic materials where possible, especially in bedding. You'll find that fabric cases, carriers, bags and totes are not only pretty and fun, but soft and light to carry and offer wonderful, soft protection for your things. All items are made in a smoke free environment with new, high quality materials specifically stated (I recycle vintage fabric or denims from time to time).

If you enter “Memarie Free Gift” in the notes box, you will receive a free gift with any purchase at Mamadama Designs.


My Secret Garden sells luxurious bath and body products. They look good enough to eat, and probably are!

I've been on an amazing journey making soaps and bath & body treats for many years. My products do not contain any petroleum, detergents, or mineral oils. I use lots of real Natural ingredients such as honey, oats, Shea butter, home grown peppermint, essential oils, and teas in the making of my soaps. I also use only the highest quality fragrance oils. I like to consider most of my items as 95% or more natural and I have others that are 100% natural. I list the ingredients of all of my items in the listing so that you know what you're getting. And when in doubt, just ask. I love getting and answering questions. All items are tested before offering them to my clients. I hope you enjoy my artful blend of body goodies!

Scentiments by Sandra offers amazing poured candles. I love delicate painted teacups, and this is a wonderful way to display them.

I create scented soy candles in vintage china, pottery and glass containers. Each candle is a singular creation! I use 100% natural soy wax, a biodegradable renewable resource, and complex fragrance oils, used to the maximum for superior scent throw. My enterprise was born out of a love for vintage china, so each candle is designed to create a harmony between the piece, scent and color. I have a wide range of styles so there's something for everyone!

Blackberry Bath Works has fragrances, lavish moisturizers, and my favorite, lip balm. I’m going to order the Warm Pumpkin Crunch!

Blackberry Bath & Body was created to satisfy the craving of moisture fanatics & fragrance aficionados everywhere. We want your skin to smell delicious and look radiant. We want your lips to feel plump and look juicy. We want our products to make you feel absolutely fabulous!

HappyDashery resells interesting vintage finds. I was taken aback when I first saw her shop, because she was featuring a set of canisters that looked exactly like a set my grandmother had. It’s a fun place to visit.

A good friend of mine has a successful Etsy shop and that got me curious. Since I'm not much of a crafter,I didn't think Etsy was the place for me, but when I saw there was a vintage category, I heard my calling. I'm a bit of a collector, I always have an eye out for fun retro things (vintage Pyrex is my most recent obsession). Setting up The HappyDashery and sharing my vintage treasures has been so much fun and is a great way of making sure I don't end up collecting too much for myself. You might call it the "making sure I don't end up getting divorced" plan.

One of you will win this great Sporty Smurf cup! Just visit her store, and tell me in your comment which vintage treasure you like best, and you’ll be entered to win.

Northwind does quite a variety of things: knitting, sewing, beading, even web design. She custom-made this strawberry hat for my daughter.

northwind.etsy.com was started back in Aug. 2006. I used to sell my knitting and jewelry on another major auction site, but as their site grew, so did their rates, and I became frustrated. I couldn't offer my products at reasonable prices and cover all the fees. A friend suggested Etsy. I was delighted! Not only is Etsy dedicated to homemade, handmade creative items but they are inexpensive to work with, allowing crafters like myself to pass savings on to buyers. I've met many wonderful people, bought incredible products, and expanded my craft business through Etsy.

You can win an item from Northwind’s shop! Just go browse her site, then list three items you like in your comment. The winner will receive one of the items on their list!

Paola makes adorable, unique felted hair accessories for little girls.

Hello everybody!!! I am so happy because this is the first time my shop has been featured on a blog other than mine. I am so honored to be at MemarieLane's. It is a very helpful and fun blog. I have always been a crafter for as long as I can remember. My first big project was when I was 12 years old. I learnt to knit at that time and I finished a sweater that everybody gave compliments about. From that point on, I have tried out all that need creative and hand work: scrapbooks, knitting, cooking and keep counting. My daughters were the inspiration to start with the felt hair clips. Both of them have long hair and I thought it would look great if I could make some felted flowers. That’s the way all started. Then as I was reading one of my favorite blogs, I found a link to Etsy. From that moment I fell in love. I could not believe all the talent I found in it. And that is what I like about Etsy, to be among those incredible talented people. Thank you for your interest in my story and designs.

One of you will win a $10 gift certificate to Paola’s store! Visit her shop, choose an item you like, and tell me about it in your comment.

Chickpea Designs sells custom photocard designs. You just add your photo and print them out. Her designs are much nicer than the templates available by the usual big box suspects, and are only $12-$15!

I found Etsy a few months ago through other blogs I enjoy perusing. I immediately thought it seemed like such a cool place, but a bit over my head - I didn't think of myself as that creatively gifted with my hands. Still, I had been mulling over the thought of starting my own business from home, yet was feeling overwhelmed by the thought of dealing with payments, website upkeep, and general online store management. So it really was only a few weeks ago that I had my "aha" moment - I could sell on Etsy, that website I keep running into through other people's blogs. I read up on how to open a store there, and it sounded like exactly what I needed. An avenue through which I could sell my digital designs.

I started doing graphic design quite some time ago - I actually could trace it back to my early high school days, when I really learned about eye-catching layout and design through being the editor of the school paper. My father was/is a film editor and worked from home, so I was also surrounded by media and digital work, and learned how to use the computer on a Mac from the beginning. Throughout college and beyond, I'd do graphic design as a side business - brochures, wedding invitations, the occasional small business need. It wasn't until I was pregnant with our first child about five years later, in 2004, that I did graphic design full-time from home. I quit focusing on that to be a mommy, but I've recently found how much I crave that creative outlet I once had. So in re-launching my graphic design business, this time exclusively doing photocards and through Etsy, I'm excited to devote my time at home and in providing high-quality yet affordable photocards for families.

One of you will win a custom photocard design from Chickpea Designs! Just visit her store and tell me in your comment which design is your favorite. Value $15.

And of course there’s Zuda Gay, who I simply can’t say enough good things about. Her work is so beautiful and creative, she could easily sell it for a lot more, but she keeps it affordable. She just loves to do what she does.

If you have an Etsy shop yourself or have one to recommend, please tell us about it!

Winners will be randomly drawn and announced Friday morning, November 23.

OMG

Remember my Trendy Tadpoles giveaway? The awesome shirts? I just got an email from Julie, and she has marked everything down 40%! It's only for today, with coupon code fortyoff, so go go go!

Aloha Friday, and a Winner!

And the winner of the Hand-Sculpted Jewelry from Zuda Gay is comment number 53, ChristyS! Christy will receive one of the items she listed in her comment. Congratulations Christy, Zuda will be contacting you to send out your prize! If you have not checked out Zuda Gay's shop yet, you really must.

Starting tomorrow, I will be hosting a very unique, multi-vendor giveaway, with some really great prizes, so be sure to come by for that. Think of it as free Christmas shopping!

And now for Aloha Friday. What small home appliance do you love and value above all others?

I love my KitchenAid stand mixer.

Aside from Brad and the computer, the Kitchen Aid works harder for me than anything in my house. It graciously accepts any job I delegate to it, tirelessly mixing batter or kneading bread or whipping up the fluffiest mashed potatoes you can possibly imagine. Never a complaint, never a blue screen of death, and it never gets sick or cranky.

Without my Kitchen Aid there would be no meatloaf. Without my Kitchen Aid I might never have been inspired to be a better cook, the kind of cook a great family deserves. Without my Kitchen Aid, I would not have a freezer stuffed with neat rows of pumpkin rolls ready to be sold or gifted. Without my Kitchen Aid all would by lumpy and bland.

I was thinking about getting it a Christmas present. What do you think? This, to keep it warm at night (it snows here):

Or these decals, to boost its self-esteem?

Quick Reminders

Today is the last day to enter my current giveaway, so enter now if you haven't already. I'll be announcing the winner tomorrow.

Also, right now you can get free shipping on any order from my Avon site if you use the coupon code: REPFS.

AND you can get 20% off any ScentSational Creations order with coupon code MARIES-SALE.

Cream of Mushroom Soup for the Soul

I was going to write about something meaningful today, but then I realized I had planned to write meaningful things on Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday too, and that would just be meaningfulness overload. If there's one thing there's too much of in this world, it's meaning. I realize that many people are searching for more meaning in their lives, but I'm afraid I'm unqualified to lead anyone down that path, much less point them in the right direction. So I reworked my blog schedule to remove as much meaning as possible.

So today we're going to talk about shopping!

I actually don't enjoy shopping, but I am the Clearance Rack Queen. Put me in any store, and I'll find the best deals in it before you can say "It's about freaking time they named Matt Damon Sexiest Man Alive!"


My favorite stores for clearance are Target, Cost Plus, and Michael's. Now those are stores that know how to do Clearance. Most places think you're stupid; they think all they have to do is slap a red sticker on something and put it in a bin labeled "Clearance" and you'll go nuts over it.

Stock Boy: Sir, shouldn't we be actually lowering the prices of the items we're putting in this bin?

Manager: Ha! Ha! Ha! Oh my dear boy, if you ever want to make management and play with the big boys, you've got a lot to learn about consumer psychology. It's not the PRICE that's important, it's the PRESENTATION. And we have GOT to do something about your flair.

But there are a few good stores out there that take their clearance -and their customers- seriously.

Of course buying a clearance item can be a crapshoot. Most things are put on clearance because they're being phased out to make room for the new stuff. But there are always those items that probably shouldn't have made it out of the factory in the first place.

Like this shirt, which I got for $3.74 at Target.













Would you believe this is labeled Extra Small? It's improved somewhat if I gather up some of the material in the back.











But the sleeves are hopeless.

Did they attach them upside-down???

I can't help but think about my sewing machine, sitting there bored to death in its cabinet. Maybe there's something that can be done? Something that even someone like me -whose last sewing project got chopped to bits out of frustration- can handle? I know some of you are good at this stuff, so any advice would be appreciated. Do I shorten the sleeves? Put some pleats in the bodice? Take in the side seams?

This top however, also $3.74, is a keeper.

BTW don't forgot to vote in my poll over there. ---------> If you're confused, scroll down and read the next post. I think the winner is clear at this point, but the same was said of Howard Dean not too long ago so I'm not jumping to any conclusions. (Don't squeal, Deck the Blogs, whatever you do, DON'T SQUEAL!)

Update: Brad's phone has been found! It was located in a box of junk in a room in a part of the building he's never been in before. The battery is dead so we can't check to see if its been used.

Do Your Civic Duty!

Stacey and I decided there just aren't enough blog contests going on over the holidays. Only about 75% of blogs are having them; where's the Christmas spirit??? So we decided to host one of our own, complete with fabulous prizes!

We were sitting there, having virtual coffee in the virtual kitchen (which is a MESS by the way, which one of you is responsible for the barbecue sauce all over the ceiling???), just chatting about what a wonderful, welcoming place the Blogosphere has been for us. Like a close-knit neighborhood where everyone borrows cups of sugar and gossips over the hedges and picks pomegranates from each others' trees. Such a neighborhood would be terrific at Christmas, wouldn't it? Imagine lights being strung, snowmen inflated, Santas plugged in while the children play merrily together and all the women congregate around a snack table. And where the house with the best display gets a fabulous prize!

So we're going to have a blog decorating contest! There will be several categories, so even those with no idea how to decorate a blog will be able to get in on the fun. We really have some GREAT prizes lined up, we're very excited.

Only trouble is, we need a name for the contest. We want something clever, attention-grabbing, and short enough to be visible on an html button. We've put together a poll, which you will find on my sideabar over there --------> just under my profile pic. PLEASE vote! And if you have any other ideas, leave them here in a comment. If we decide to use your idea, you just might receive a fabulous prize for your efforts.

VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

Poll closes Friday night, contest will begin next Friday, at which time we will post more details.

How to Make a Rolled Cake

For four years now I've funded my Christmases by making and selling pumpkin rolls. If you shop smart they cost about three dollars each to make, and I sell them for fifteen.

A pumpkin roll is simply a pumpkin sponge cake rolled into a spiral with cream cheese frosting. As simple as it is it's hard to resist, once someone has a taste they're hooked. Every Fall I send Brad out with plates and plates of samples, then I rake in the orders over the holidays. I usually make three a day.

Making a pumpkin roll is easy, but it's something you have to be shown how to do. I've written out every detail of the process for people when asked (I didn't create the recipe so I don't feel I have the right to hoarde it; I wish I knew who did so I could give proper credit), but found pictures are necessary. These instructions are also helpful for making any kind of rolled cake.

A rolled cake is not the same as a regular cake mixture, it is very eggy and durable, as is necessary for all the manipulating involved. If you want to try making a rolled cake with your favorite cake recipe, it may require some trial and error, and extra eggs.

It's best to start a pumpkin roll two days before your event. You make the cakes the first day and freeze them overnight, then frost them the next day and freeze them overnight again. I highly recommend making several at once, once you get the hang of it. If you wrap them well they can be frozen for several months, and they make great impromtu gifts.

What you need for one cake:

3 eggs
2/3 cup pure pumpkin
1 cup sugar
3/4 cup flour
1 tsp. cinnamon
1 tsp. baking soda
Baking spray with flour (I use Crisco or Baker's Joy)
Clean cookie sheet, as new as possible
clean, non-pilled cotton pillowcase or a flour sack towel
lots of plastic wrap

What you need for the frosting for one cake:

1 eight oz. package cream cheese, softened
1/2 stick of butter, softened
1 cup powdered sugar
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
lots of plastic wrap

To begin with, I line up all the ingredients on the counter with the appropriate measuring tools. This makes for more efficient measuring and pouring, and facilitates clean-up.





I highly recommend using a stand mixer. It is possible to make these with a hand mixer, but a good stand mixer makes all the difference.

Preheat the oven to 350. Crack the eggs into your mixing bowl, then add the pumpkin and sugar. Mix well. Then add the flour, cinammon, and baking soda and mix well, then scrape the bowl and mix again.

Spray your cookie sheet very thoroughly. Do pay attention to corners and sides, but don't neglect the bottom either. Pour the batter into the cookie sheet, scraping the bowl, then gently roll the batter around to cover the sheet. Try to make the batter as level as possible, but it's not a big deal if you can't. Any un-evenness won't be noticeable in the end product.






Bake the cake for approximately fifteen minutes. Check it at thirteen. If the edges are starting to crisp take it out early, You do not want crispy edges. Allow the cake to cool for fifteen minutes, then turn it out on your pillowcase or flour sack towel. Carefully flip it over so the wrinkly top of the cake is up and the nice browned side will be on the outside. Fold up the bottom of the towel, then fold the sides in. Roll the cake lengthwise. Do try to roll it tightly, but not so tightly that you squash it. The frosting will fill the gaps.

Wrap it thoroughly in plastic wrap, then pop it into the freezer. Be careful where you put it in the freezer, they do get indentations on them which isn't very attractive. I line the area I will be using for pumpkin rolls with cutting boards so the ridges on the bottom of the freezer won't cut into them.

Now wash the dishes and go put your feet up.

The next day, put out the cream cheese and butter to soften. They are best at around room temperature. Do not try making the frosting with cold butter, I did that once and the frosting ended up full of little chunks of butter.

About twenty minutes before you make the frosting, set your cake out to thaw a bit.





Mix all ingredients, and beat them until the frosting is completely smooth. Carefully unroll the cake, but leave it on the towel. It should look like this:








With a rubber or silicone spatula, gently and generously tuck frosting into the little curl, like this:

Then spread the remainder of the frosting over the surface. Try to keep the frosting evenly distrubuted. It doesn't have to be pretty, your spatula strokes will not be visible once the cake is rolled up and sliced.

Roll it back up:

And wrap it back up:

And return it to the freezer and you're done!

Now return to the frosting bowl, and give it a good licking before you wash it. You've worked hard, you deserve it!

It is best to cut the cake when it is still frozen, with a large, sharp, non-serrated knife. In fact it's best to serve it frozen, I don't usually cut it until it's time for dessert if it can be helped. If you cut it when the cake is thawed, the slices will be more oval than round and the icing will smear. Each roll makes about twenty pieces, not counting the ends.

Some other things you can do:

I don't normally have a problem with the towel sticking to the cake, it tends to come off quite easily. If this is not true for you, sprinkle some powdered sugar on the towel before you turn the cake out, then more after you fold in the sides but before you roll it up.

If you'd like to stud the roll with nuts, spread them out on a towel or cutting surface and roll the finished cake in them.

Have fun and good luck! Making pumpkin rolls is much easier than writing about making pumpkin rolls, let me tell ya! ;)

For more great ideas, visit Works for me Wednesday.

You have GOT to be kidding me

Brad's cell phone was stolen yesterday, and not in a "gee, where did I put that gosh darn thing" kind of way. He had leant it to Coworker A, who took it to a restricted area, with cameras, to place a call. Coworker A left the restricted area and forgot the phone. The cameras then show Coworker B going to the area and leaving it, then Brad. Coworker B immediately left the premises, while Brad and Coworker A searched for the phone. Noone else. So we know it was either Coworker A, a nice little old man, or Coworker B, a guy who has given Brad problems from the get-go and mysteriously disappeared from the scene at a convenient moment. I wonder who it could be?

Yes we tried calling it, about 1,000 times from 1,000 different numbers, the phone has probably been turned off. We discussed calling the police, as there is evidence of actual theft, but Brad's boss wants to handle it internally. I'm betting that whoever took it is going to leave it somewhere, perhaps under a car tire or on the bathroom counter next to an empty prescription bottle, or in a toilet bowl weighed down with little cement blocks, to make it look like an accident. And it will be found thusly today, so whoever it was will get away with their bad behavior yet again, despite the evidence of foul play.

Clearly in a situation like this there's not anything one can do beyond buying a new phone, which is especially difficult for us because I only just persuaded Brad to get ME a new phone and disconnect Vonage. So now our only phone is my cell phone.

Incidentally, can anyone tell me how to put spaces in a text message? The last time I sent a text message was in 1998, in the form of numbers on a pager. 44 3766 62743! Also if there is a way to put images from the camera onto a computer other than emailing them to myself?

If anyone (other than Minda) is able to accurately decode my numeric message in the paragraph above, they get a Brownie Point!

Technical Difficulties

It has come to my attention that some posts from my Celebrity Detox series were being linked on some sites without my permission, sites about celebrity gossip and others of local interest to the Palm Springs area. While I do appreciate linky love in most cases, I found this to be creepy. So I have temporarily taken down those posts to do a little maintenence to further protect the identities of the entities I am "rambling" about.

If you are an official with NaBloPoMo, please work with me here. I did post those days, just need to do some editing.

Thanks for your patience and understanding.

Update: I have made the necessary changes. It's a shame I had to do it, but these things do happen.

And just for you Phantom freaks (I know you are one): Bah. 'Dese tings do 'appen.' And until you stoppa dese tings from 'appening, DIS ting does not 'appen!

Memarie Lane's Guide to Blog Contest Directories

Mr. Prizes- Your online guide through afun and easy to use resourceto win cash and prizes.

Rocks in my Dryer: Bloggy Giveaways- not a directory exactly, she doesn’t link to others’ giveaways often, but she has giveaways so frequently herself that she qualifies.

Laura Williams' Musings- On my blog, I share daily contest roundups, book & product reviews, giveaways, as well as recipes, daily life snippets, and more.

The Prize Blog The Original Contest Blog

Prizey- a directory of online giveaways. 100% spam- and linkbait- free.

Contests Anonymous- A mom's guide to contests!

The Good Stuff- the place to go to find blog contests and reviews.

5 Minutes for Mom- 5 Minutes Around the Blogosphere - a weekly run-down of current contests.

My Blog Contest- MyBlogContest.com is the place where you can get tons of free stuff in the blogging community.

Janne's Jaberwocky I love entering these bloggy giveaways! In the past, I have won some really nice things!

Enter Now! Giveaways, Contests and Sweepstakes!

Contest Girl- includes Canadian contests!

Contest Beat

When I became a citizen of the Blogosphere, I did so with a very naïve set of expectations. My blog would be a place to ramble about my boring life, explore antiquated scientific theories, maybe post the occasional bad poem. It didn’t take long for me to figure out what blogging is really all about: giveaways!

If you are new to the giveaway circuit (I am, relatively), bloggers often give stuff away for free, generally for one of three reasons:

1. To shamelessly attract traffic and comments.

2. To help promote the business of a friend or stranger.

3. A combination of the two.

Giveaways are a beautiful thing for everyone involved. They do generate traffic for both the blogger and the business, and the readers get free stuff. Never has there been a more blissfully symbiotic relationship. In addition, there are many kind-hearted souls who have gone out of their way to make life easier for us giveaway fanatics by trolling the blogosphere for contests and posting the links in one convenient place. Again, more traffic for them, convenience for us. It’s a beautiful thing!

While I was in the shower last night, a light bulb lit up right over my head. I was pretty scared at first, we all know that electricity and water are not a good combination. But nothing happened, I lived to tell the tale, though my hair is a tad curlier than usual and I can't seem to make my right foot stop tapping. Hmmm.

Anyway, I was thinking about how much I appreciated these directories, and wondered if there was a convenient way to find more of them. That’s it! I realized. A directory of directories! All these lists in one convenient place! And what better place than my sidebar?

So here’s the plan. I’m going to list the sites I know of that are dedicated to the giveaway linkage cause, and I’m going to post it like a blogroll. I will continue to add to it as I find more, and would very much appreciate any referrals. It’s a community effort, sharing the linky love. Hands Across the Blogosphere (t-shirt pending) if you will. I’d like this list to be as thorough and comprehensive as possible.

So here they are as I know them, I’m looking forward to seeing this list grow. And when you host your own giveaway, be sure to send them emails with your permalink. If your giveaway fits their criteria, maybe they'll list you!

My Celebrity Detox: Afros and Aliens

All names -including business names- in this series, except those of celebrities and of myself, have been changed for the sake of privacy. I've carefully chosen pseudonyms that I feel accurately represent the true names as well as the spirits of the people and businesses they belong to.

This blog entry is part of a series. To place it in context, click on the tag at the end and read previous entries.

Beverlee Greene’s mother believed in the power of letters. Specifically, she supposed the letter E to attract wealth, and while she was short on money, E’s were easy enough to come by. However, according to NumberQuest:

E is the second vowel in the alphabet and is the numerical equivalent of 5. It is a friendly number which is warm hearted, loving and compassionate. When it is the first vowel in a name the bearer is freedom loving and charming. Negatively, E can be unreliable and unstable.

And while I never observed Beverlee attracting wealth, that little blurb sums her up rather neatly. Adjectives are such funny things though, aren’t they? Some people might say she was unreliable or unstable, but those people would be rather shortsighted. Beverlee was like a bird or a butterfly, her choices dictated by her senses, of which she seemed to possess more than the usual five. If you smell cookies baking you head for the kitchen, don’t you? Beverlee would too, but she’d bring her camera equipment along. While you’d be interested in sinking your teeth into cinnamon laced oatmeal and melty chocolate, Beverlee would want to observe the heat rising from the cookies and the contrast of colors and textures and the invisible warm pink glow of contentment emitted by the kitchen’s occupants. And she’d photograph it all in a way you can’t even imagine.

I met Beverlee when I still worked at Stroma, though I have no memory of it. Which is especially odd when you consider how memorable she is; you’d think I’d remember a thin, six foot tall woman with an ethereal afro of squiggly platinum curls. The fact that I can’t remember the meeting is a testament to how stressful that job was. Here’s how she relayed it back to me:

Beverlee (radiant, basking in the sunrise, pouring hot water over an organic herbal teabag): We went to Joshua Tree, it was so beautiful! The energy is just amazing! I hear it gets really hot here in the summer though.

Me (meticulously groomed, grimacing, ignoring the phone, washing dishes, escorting looky-loos in English, directing the maids in Spanish, and pouring my own second or third or fourth cup of coffee all at the same time): Ah, yeah, up to 130 in August. But really, everything over 100 feels the same.

And that was my standard response to heat inquiries, so I knew we really must have met. Beverlee, who was well known as a photographer in Los Angeles, had wanted to visit the desert because she had heard that Joshua Tree was a focal energy point. She found that to indeed be that case, and felt irresistibly drawn to the place. She and her boyfriend decided to leave her blooming career in LA and relocate.

They leased a beautiful Frank Lloyd Wright type house right on the edge of Joshua Tree National Park and spent a few delirious weeks frolicking in the energy like kids playing in sprinklers on a hot day. They took a lot of great pictures, which she later showed me. Then he decided to leave her there by herself, with a substantial lease, an extensive kimono collection, and no income.

So where does someone like Beverlee find employment?

She’d been a concierge at You Can Do It for a few months when the powers that be realized that her instability and unreliability were serious detriments. Said powers were not really cut out for management however, and decided upon a passive-aggressive plan to make the work environment too difficult for Beverlee to tolerate, which they hoped would lead to her resignation. This plan consisted of hiring me, and paying me more than her, and having us share a desk. They should have realized by then that a person like Beverlee would be completely and happily oblivious to such a plan. They also probably didn’t think that two such different people as we were would get along so well.

We were opposites in every way, and she was twelve years older, but Beverlee and I hit it off from the get-go. I was a nervous, stressed-out wreck, she was my padded cell. She was an alien on a strange planet, I was her human contact and interpretor. Add to that the fact that an employee can only be as good as the person who trains them, and it was Beverlee that trained me. In effect, the blond leading the blind. It was a match made in Wonderland if you catch my meaning.

Working at a place like You Can Do It meant walking the walk in order to talk the talk. All employees were expected to do a three day program. By the time I came along they had relaxed that a bit, mainly due to sheer laziness, so I was able to get away with merely sampling all of the different drinks. The lemon water and vegetable juice were okay, the pureed vegetable soup was actually quite good. Some of the teas tasted like bark (maybe because they were made from… bark). The worst of all was the detox drink, which consisted of a few ounces of apple or grape juice, a squirt of liquid mineral supplement, and a scoop of ground flax. I tried the detox drink many times and simply couldn’t get more than a swallow or two down; and the longer you took to drink it, the thicker it became.

I also had to try all of the treatments. I had a hot stone massage, a raindrop treatment (a sort of massage involving extremely potent essential oils applied in a certain order and combination), and a deep tissue massage. When I had an herbal wrap, the therapist began to gush about how much weight it would help me lose, then looked me up and down and decided maybe she’d take it easy on me. A homeopathic doctor aimed his Chinese laser at my navel to heal nerve endings damaged by the piercing there. I had acupuncture and shirodhara, which basically means I had oil dumped on my head.

My favorite was the deluxe body facial. It began with a scented bath. Then I was scrubbed with a mixture of honey and coffee grounds (we were instructed to tell guests it was Starbucks), then rinsed, slathered in mud, and wrapped in an electric blanket. While I lay there in the mud, my scalp was massaged with almond oil, then I was given a Swedish massage. “Yeah,” I thought to myself, “I think I can handle this job.”

And then I had to have a colonic. Which I PROMISE I will describe in the next entry.

And Beverlee and I rubbed merrily along like woodland creatures.

The powers began to get restless. What a mistake they had made! They should have simply fired Beverlee when they had the opportunity. What could they do? Now they had two dead weights instead of just one. But, as always happens, a solution presented itself. Beverlee wanted to make more money. She was going to lose her lease, which would have just killed her, and after some deliberations with a calculator, the scheduling pad, and a mysterious piece of purple metal that she quickly tucked out of sight, she concluded that there was much more to be made in colonics. The powers were relieved, they thought Beverlee would make an excellent colonic therapist and were happy to facilitate her training.

So Beverlee was off to train with Nurse Ratched and Julia, and the concierge desk became a lonely, lonely place.

To be continued…

For additional reading, here is an interesting article about the Southern California desert from the New York Times.

Giveaway: Hand Sculpted Jewelry

When I sat down to write this giveaway, I realized I wasn’t up to the task. This is one of those instances in which images are far more powerful than any words I can think up. Feast your peepers on these:






















































See what I mean?

There are a lot of crafters out there making and selling clever, pretty, interesting things, but nothing I’ve ever seen has blown me away like Zuda Gay’s work does. And that’s only the first shocker. The second is how inexpensive these pieces are. Her prices range from six to twenty dollars! You can’t even buy a book of stamps for six dollars!

I asked Zuda Gay if she could give us any background information, and this is what she wrote:

I have been so very blessed to be raised by parents who lived creatively and raised their children to believe that they could do whatever they wanted to do. Then I married a man who seems to think that I can do anything I put my mind to and encourages me to fulfill any creative notion that pops into my mind. I have always loved the feel of clay in my hands. I played with Play-dough like most children and was so upset when it dried and ended up with a white haze covering my beautiful sculptures. Anytime there was mud nearby, I was in it.

When our daughters were tiny and we were poor and young, I discovered making my own clay with flour, salt and water. I made Christmas ornaments, painted them and sold them at craft shows to make money to buy our babies Christmas gifts. I discovered polymer clay about 12 years ago and have pretty much been working with it ever since. I have evolved and grown, as all artists do, but it is still color and the feel of clay in my hands that move me and all of creation that inspires me.

I seem to gravitate toward flowers. I love flowers!!! I have a brown thumb and kill every living plant that comes into my possession. So, for the most part I make things with flowers on them. Flowers that don't wilt or die for lack of care.....or too much care. I believe that we are made in the image of the Creator and one of His traits that He has put within us is the desire and ability to create....something, or be creative in some way. I need to be able to use my God given creativity, and this is one of the ways I have chosen to use it.

My husband and I will celebrate our 33rd anniversary the end of November. We have two beautiful grown daughters, two wonderful sons-in-law and six absolutely beautiful, brilliant and adorable grandkids….with number seven due January 10th. I am abundantly blessed.

Zuda Gay is also open to doing custom work. If you have a theme, favorite colors, or other ideas of things you’d like her to sculpt for you, send a message through her shop (you have to be registered but registration is free).

This amazingly talented artist wants to give one of you an item from her store! To enter, visit her shop and choose three things you like, then list them in your comment. The randomly chosen winner, who I will announce Friday, November 16, will receive one of the three items on their list. Open to U.S. residents.

Good luck!

Aloha Friday, and a ScentSational Winner

My question for this edition of Aloha Friday:

Tell us about one thing in your home that you can’t stand, that you’d like to get rid of, but can’t because it just happens to be someone else’s favorite thing on the whole entire planet.

In my case, it would be this thing:




No, it is not a member of my family, although Brad would like to think it is. It is one of those creepy, disturbing dolls that looks like a real child who has been told to stand in a corner. I first saw these about ten years ago at the weekly street fair in downtown Palm Springs. I had to go every Thursday to buy flowers for the hotel, and on this occasion I had paused to observe the guy that plays music on a washboard while also making his puppets dance. I had to jump back when I realized I had stepped on a little girl who was wearing her Easter best even though it was October, and had been punished for some infraction by being forced to lean against a booth and be perfectly still. Oddly, her parents were nowhere in sight. I was about to make my apologies when I discovered it was nothing but some twisted little old lady’s idea of a clever gift item. For $45!

Brad got this in Fort Lauderdale. We had gone there for a weekend so he could do some face-to-face stuff with a lady he’d been working for long distance. Brad had admired it, and she took the opportunity to get rid of it. I don’t blame her a bit, I would have done the same thing. When he brought it into our hotel room, face aglow with love and adoration for it, I expressed my aversion, but he was already attached. When we got home I tried hiding it in inconspicuous places, but Brad would always move it somewhere more prominent. Now it stands on the landing, and the kids like to take its boots off and use it as a prop for fort building. Ah, the things I’d like to do to that… (picture flying spittle here).. that… knick knack! But I’m stuck with it.

And now, for the winner of my ScentSational Giveaway! The winner is...












Comment number 18, who just happens to be my sister. I know, it smacks of nepotism. That's why I included the screen shot, just in case you questioned how unbiased my winner choice really is. It was a dilemma, do I stick with the truly randomly chosen winner, or do I choose someone else who has more of an aura of randomness? If I were to go with the second option, there'd be no point in my friends and relatives entering my giveaways at all, and they should have a shot too, shouldn't they? So there you have it. Loraine, Paula will be contacting you about your prize.

I'll be starting a new giveaway tomorrow, from a very talented artist who makes some surprisingly beautiful stuff and will be giving one of her pieces to one of you. Y'all come back now!

You asked for it!

Well, actually, Kailani (who has the best blog design in all of blog history BTW)asked for it.

My Desktop Free View Instruction:

A. Upon receiving this tag, immediately perform a screen capture of your desktop. It is best that no icons be deleted before the screen capture so as to add to the element of fun.

You can do a screen capture by: [1] Going to your desktop and pressing the Print Scrn key (located on the right side of the F12 key). [2] Open a graphics program (like Picture Manager, Paint, or Photoshop) and do a Paste (CTRL + V). [3] If you wish, you can “edit” the image, before saving it.
For MAC users: Press [ Apple] [ Ctrl ] [ Shift ] and [ 3 ]

B. Post the picture in your blog. You can also give a short explanation on the look of your desktop just below it if you want. You can explain why you preferred such look or why is it full of icons. Things like that.

C. Tag five of your friends and ask them to give you a Free View of their desktop as well.

D. Add your name to this list of Free Viewers with a link pointing directly to your Desktop Free View post to promote it to succeeding participants.
List of those who have participated:

Francine of La Place de Cherie
Chez Francine
Bloggishi
Unchained Melody
LadyJava’s Lounge
Mariuca
Revellian Dot ComDesktop
iRonnie
Rebecca
Jon
Rolando
Speedcat
Brown Baron
Tish
Mike
Money Online
NoDirectOn
Max
Elena’s Photos
Comedy Plus
MeAndMyDrum
The Random Forest
Samir Bharadwaj
My Brain Dumper!
Go Visit Hawaii
Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You
Karen @ Pediascribe
Stacey @ Jamee Forever
Meredith @ Pregnantly Plump
Karly @ Wiping Up Snot
MelodyAnn @ ShooFly
An Island Life
Memarie Lane

add yours here after doing this tag.

So, here is our desktop's... err.. desktop. We are very zen people and don't like icons cluttering up the place. We keep the important stuff on the taskbar. Clearly this is Brad's choice:









This is the laptop's desktop, also chosen by Brad. The laptop is technically MY computer, but honestly I just don't really care about what's on the desktop anymore. I can't see it when I'm on the computer anyway, so I just don't bother.








I couldn't stop there! I just got my new phone yesterday, and it has a wallpaper too, so shouldn't I share that as well?














Yes, you read that right, 6:40 AM. I was awakened by bright pink light coming through the window. I'm both a light sleeper and a morning person so I couldn't possibly remain in bed. I had to find out if my neighbors had installed a large neon sign outside my bedroom window, or if the sky looked like this:










Then I came back inside, decided I may as well start breakfast. I opened the fridge, and thought you might like to see that too (those are pumpkin rolls in the freezer, most of my frozen stuff is in the chest freezer).




















And then there was Brad's gnome collection (part of it) and my scissors. Yes I have a lot of scissors. Go ahead and mock me, but you can bet that if ever something needs to be cut up, I not only have just the scissors for the job, I know right where to find them.






And then I saw my library card sitting there and thought you might like to see it, cuz it is pretty snazzy for a library card.

And there you have it. If you'd like to display your desktop(s), go ahead, and post back here to let me know. What with NaBloPoMo and all I'm sure many of you are going to jump on this just to have something to post. But I think I'd actually be more interested in the contents of your refrigerator, what the sky looks like at your house, and what your library card looks like. I really don't think anyone can possibly have a better library card (or sky!) than I do.

Vonage Pwnage*

How many times have you said to yourself, “Gee whiz. What on earth has happened to customer service? If I get one more friendly, helpful person on the line, I’m going to scream!”

Well boy do I ever hear you. When I call my cable company, not only do they answer my questions efficiently and happily, they don’t even bother to put me on hold. What is up with that? And would you believe their call center is here? As in Albuquerque, New Mexico, the good old U S of A? What the hooey???

I’ve been there my friend, I’ve been there. Being a SAHM gets lonely, you know. I long to be put on hold indefinitely by a college student in Benglar India named Josh (nice kid, sounds kind of funny, must be all that curry and yogurt they eat over there) so I can listen to Tiny Dancer over and over (great song), interrupted now and then by a real nice gal who reminds me of how important I am. What an ego boost! You can have your silly diamonds and bubble baths and flowers and chocolates, give me a nice long hold anytime.

And you know what I like about canceling a service? I just love it when they offer me free stuff! It’s amazing how $24.99 was good enough for them last month, when I received the automatic billing notice with a little burst of joy, but now when I ask to cancel they say I can have two months free! I’m quite certain they would have given me two months free even if I hadn’t called to cancel, since they’re such great folks. Josh was quite insistent; he really wanted me to enjoy some free service as a token of their appreciation for my four months of loyal patronage.

But I had just received a notice that my lovely new (RED!) mobile phone had been shipped, and I was so eager to get it and use it that I really didn’t want to waste anymore of these good people’s time. It’s just the way I was raised I guess. I didn’t really mind that my wireless router wouldn’t communicate with my laptop or that it caused connectivity problems with the desktop or that no one could hear me when I talked on the phone. No, I was willing to overlook all that just so I could talk to Joshampir Ambumakbar on occasion. Sweet boy, he was like a son to me. If I’d been a very naughty eleven year old.

So after long discussion, Brad and I came to the sad conclusion that we really must get with the times and use those little mobile thingies. And we found a very nice (RED!) one, with a camera doohinkey in it, and this thing you can have implanted on your face that’s supposed to improve your driving, but I’ve seen people with them at the store and I couldn’t help but notice that they leave trails of canned goods in their wake so I’m not really sure that would be best for me. It was time to say goodbye to Vonage.

So I sadly declined their generous offer and asked that the service be disconnected immediately. But Josh couldn’t leave it at that, the dear dear boy offered to debit my account for the router that doesn’t work! In fact, he insisted upon it. He charged me $149.67 for it, even though it doesn’t work. I offered to send it back or exchange it for one that worked, but he simply wouldn’t have it. I couldn’t wait to get the bill, and it’s a good thing I couldn’t because it popped up in my inbox before I even hung up the phone! How’s that for service?

I was so pleased with the experience that I promised him I’d write all about it on my intraweblog whatchamacallit. I told him I’d make sure to let everyone know what kind of service and equipment they can expect from Vonage. He got off the phone very quickly; I think he was tearing up. It was very sad, I hate good-byes. And wouldn’t you know it, my phone was disabled within five seconds! I kid you not. I’ve never seen such fast and efficient service.

I implore you. Call Vonage today!

And tell them to eat shitake mushrooms stir-fried with the meat of a newborn shitzu pup!

Hey, anyone need a broken wireless router? I feel another giveaway coming on…

*Pwn- Pwn is a slang term that implies domination and/or humiliation of a rival. It sprang from the similar term "owned" and is used primarily in the Internet gaming culture to taunt an opponent that has just been soundly defeated. Examples include "pwnage" or "you just got pwned". It can also be used, especially by non-gamers, in the context of getting "pwned" by The Man.

Looking Up

I know this may come as a surprise to some of you, but sometimes, if you go outside and look up, there's this big thing called the sky. It's supposed to be blue, but many places in the world it manifests itself as a grayish brown blur sometimes visible amongst the billboards, telephone wires, tree branches, mountains and buildings. Believe it or not, there are still some places in the world where the sky is blue, like here in New Mexico.

Now, I grew up in the desert of Southern California, and it's blue there too, except occasionally when the Santa Ana wind comes around with its stinky fish breath from the Salton Sea and fills up the valley with orange LA flatulence (who is Santa Ana anyway? The patron saint of arsonists?*). It makes for lovely sunsets, but not such lovely days.

While growing up, I noticed that the color of the sky has a lot to do with the temperature. As it became hot the sky would get pale, and as it cooled down it would be a deeper blue. On very hot days, the sky would be nearly white. The best color is in the early Spring and in the Autumn, like now.

We live near an Air Force base, and also near an airport, so we get a lot of airplane traffic. One of my dad's favorite things to do is sit in his hot tub and count airplanes, so either he will love it here or the proliferation of aircraft will give him whiplash.

Yesterday the Air Force decided to have some fun with us. When I put the kids out in the back yard to play while I made pumpkin rolls, we saw that the sky was all stripey, from horizon to horizon, with airplane trails. I'm not one of those people that takes pictures of rainbows and beaches, because I know a photograph will never do such things justice, but this was really something else and I had to take pictures.

I still don't know what they were doing. I posted on a local forum and someone thought it may have been related to a controlled burn that was being conducted, but I don't see how that would entail so much activity.

Anyhoo, just thought it was neat-o. Have you looked up today?

* I looked it up on Wikipedia:

"The name Santana Winds is said to be traced to Spanish California, when the winds were called Devil Winds due to their heat. The reference book Los Angeles A to Z (by Leonard & Dale Pitt), credits the Santa Ana Canyon in Orange County as the origin of the name Santa Ana Winds, thereby arguing for the term Santa Anas. This might be supported by early accounts which attributed the Santa Ana riverbed running through the canyon as the source of the winds. Another account placed the origin of Santa Ana Winds with an Associated Press correspondent stationed in Santa Ana who mistakenly began using Santa Ana Winds instead of Santana Winds in a 1901 dispatch."

Nah, No NaNoWriMo

I was seriously thinking about participating in National Novel Writing Month. But I've decided against it. I only found out about it a couple weeks ago, and in order to write even a bad novel I think I would need more time than that to work out a good story, develop characters, and map out a plot, especially when you consider I've wanted to be a writer since I was six years old and in the twenty-five years since then I haven't come up with anything.

It occurred to me a few years ago that I had myself figured all wrong. I'm pretty good with grammar and with writing formulaic short pieces, but when it comes to the creative part, I'm stumped. I always took myself for a right brainer, but every silly quiz I took said otherwise, and finally I had to accept that I'm a left brainer.

Left Brain- Logical, Sequential, Rational, Analytical, Objective, Looks at parts
Right Brain- Random, Intuitive, Holistic, Synthesizing, Subjective, Looks at wholes

In fact, looking at that now I don't see how I could have ever considered myself a right brainer. Basically:

Right Brain = Forest
Left Brain = Trees

I'm so interested in the trees I'm down on the ground studying every fissure in the bark and every bead of moss. Forest? The thought of it gives me palpitations.

Or:

Right Brain: Creative Thinker
Left Brain: "Wait a minute here... I can't have Clarissa fall in love with Blake, she's an ex-nun for crying out loud, and- did I just put a semi-colon there? No one uses semi-colons anymore! What's wrong with me?!?!?!"

And that, my friends, is why you will never see me at the business end of a book signing. I'm not giving up mind you, there just may be a plot swimming around in my head, and it could come to fruition at any moment and bob to the surface like a dead goldfish.

In the meantime I'd like to encourage all you right brainers who are participating in NaNoWriMo. May you meet your quotas, may you make new friends, may you still find time to blog, and maybe even make it to your Thanksgiving dinner, even if you have to go to Marie Callender's. And for crying out loud, may you find a better acronym?

I leave you with this quote from A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby. It's about Virginia Woolf, who, judging from this excerpt, may have been a fellow left brainer. Think of it as a sportive ass-slap to send you on your merry NaNoWriMo way.

“You should try and read the stuff by people who’ve killed themselves! We started with Virginia Woolf, and I only read like two pages of this book about a lighthouse, but I read enough to know why she killed herself: She killed herself because she couldn’t make herself understood. You only have to read one sentence to see that. I sort of identify with her a bit, because I suffer from that sometimes, but her mistake was to go public with it. I mean, it was lucky in a way, because she left a sort of souvenir behind so that people like us could learn from her difficulties and that, but it was bad luck for her. And she had some bad luck too, if you think about it, because in the olden days anyone could get a book published because there wasn’t so much competition. So you could march into a publisher’s office and go, you know, I want this published, and they’d go, Oh, OK then. Whereas now they’d go, No, dear, go away, no one will understand you. Try Pilates or salsa dancing instead.”

My Celebrity Detox: A Hole-istic Approach

My sister wanted me to write more about my experiences with the methods celebrities use to lose weight quickly. I’m going to have to stretch it out into quite a few parts (sorry Minda!), because it may never actually end.

In all my writing I endeavor to accentuate the positive. I don’t want to reveal personal details of people who may not even know I’m writing about them, because I don’t want to hurt any feelings and because I don’t want to get sued, so I will be changing names and some physical traits. This isn’t possible with the celebrities of course, but while I will portray everything truly and as I saw it, I will not be bashing anyone. Basically, if I don’t have something nice to say, it simply will not be said, but neither will I embellish to put something in a better light than it ought to appear IMO. I hope that makes sense! Edit: I also decided to change the business names involved.

“You Can Do It” was a difficult business name to wrap my mouth around, I never did get used to it. I was never sure which syllable to emphasize, and it seemed too perky for a place that specialized in colonic hydrotherapy. It sounded more like a store that sells diabetic socks and cervical collars than an exclusive health center catering to celebrities in need of a quick and quiet plumb job.

(Incidentally, did you know that a cervical collar is for your neck? Judging by the name I was sure it was for something else, but now that I’ve seen what the collar looks like, I’m more relieved than disappointed in myself. I once had the same problem with “penile” / “penal,” I still have to giggle when I hear penal codes being discussed in the news. Talk about a misunderstanding, I always thought a penal code had something to do with the Abstinence Project. [<----Kidding!])

We answered the phone with a soothing, muffled, “You Can Do It, this is Marie (or whoever), how may I help you?” And the response, at least half the time was, “Do you really?” To complicate things, there was a nursing service in the area by the same name, and we’d often get calls from angry invalids demanding to know where their CNA was. So did we really? Care, that is? Yes actually, more than you’d think.

You Can Do It was started by a woman who discovered she had colon cancer. She was given six months to live, and she decided to spend it in Mexico at one of those last-resort cancer clinics of questionable reputation. She did beat the cancer, and wanted to teach the wonderful things she had learned about health, and so she gave up her career in interior design and You Can Do It came to be. And those concepts remained at the core of You Can Do It’s mission, but sometimes these things take on lives of their own.

A guest at You Can Do It is committed to a liquid diet. Not a fast exactly, but a diet of several drinks to be imbibed throughout the day including teas, fresh vegetable juices, a wheatgrass based drink, lemon water, a pureed soup of steamed vegetables, and a very powerful flax-based drink that basically worked like Drano. Being on this diet, combined with stimulation of the lymphatic system (massage), colonic hydrotherapy, and use of the sauna, is meant to have a cleansing effect on the body. You Can Do It also took a holistic approach, adding treatments and classes to soothe, revive, and educate the mind and soul.

("Holistic" does not mean "New Age" or "Crunchy" as some people assume, it means taking into account every aspect of a person and their environment, not just the physical. A very wise approach to take, it is simply more often employed by the Crunchy groups than by traditional medicine.)

Most guests at You Can Do It would tend to brush all that aside, however. We would spend hours on the phone with prospective first-timers explaining all of this to them, and all they cold hear was “Blah blah blah colonic, blah blah blah ten pounds, blah blah blah flat stomach.” Losing weight quickly was the bottom line to them, health merely a pleasantly incidental side effect.

And boy would their faces light up when they saw me. I was generally the first person they saw, all 98 pounds of me in the interesting clothes that can only be pulled off by the very thin and only in the state of California. They looked at me and saw themselves in one week’s time, only with money and better teeth. Without fail they would ask me how many times I had done the program. At first I told the truth, that I’m one of those loathed and dispicable creatures who can clean out an entire Chinese buffet (and I’m not talking about the salad bar) in one sitting and not gain an ounce. I learned quickly. I started to lie and tell them I’d done it at least once a month throughout my entire life, and that went over much better.

In fact, near the end of my time there I took over writing the bimonthly newsletter. I was instructed to write a feature on how to keep the weight off, because I’m so clearly qualified in that area. I turned that into a piece on responsible body imagery, and the owner loved it. She loved it so much she took the bi-line and was genuinely surprised when I was upset by that. I don’t think she meant any harm.

As far as weight loss goes there have been strong arguments made both for and against, and the effectiveness of short-term liquid diet as a health booster has been both contested and supported. I guess you could say You Can Do It is something like a church hanging in the balance between science and faith. Believe and be saved, either by the power of the renewed bowel or by the strength of the convicted mind. Whichever it is, it works, and works quickly, and is therefore often the method of choice for an actor that needs to be fat in one movie and thin in the next, as well as for people coming out of rehab needing to flush an entire history of drugs from their system.

One could argue that it takes a convicted mind to do it in the first place, and I certainly can't argue with that.

Stay tuned for Colonic Hydrotherapy, or: I Believe you have my Speculum?

A ScentSational Giveaway!

Update: Paula has set up a discount for you guys! Place an order before the end of November, and you can get 20% off, no restrictions! Just enter the voucher code MARIES-SALE (case sensitive) when you check out!

I'm up at five o'clock on a Saturday morning why? Was I really that excited about posting my new giveaway? Actually, I forgot to turn off the radio downstairs last night, and judging by the amorous bass giving me shiatsu through our very thick mattress set, it must be Mariachi Morning.

But I am excited about this giveaway. ScentSational Creations Candles and Critters is an up and coming company, selling hand made candles, tarts, and other scented products. Paula is continually adding to her ScentSational repertiore as demand for her clever and cute products increases.

I originally contacted Paula to find out about discounts for bulk sales, thinking about Christmas presents. Next thing I knew, I was signing up to be an affiliate myself, which didn't cost me anything, and which will get me a nice discount on my own purchases even if no one buys anything from me. How cool is that?

Paula has agreed to give one lucky reader (you???) a free item from her store. To enter, just go to the site and pick three items that catch your eye, then post your selections here in a comment. The randomly selected winner, chosen November 9, will recieve one of the items they list!

Have fun, and good luck!

Aloha Friday, and Winners Galore!

OMG I won something! A copy of My Life Unscripted by Tricia Goyer, which I will be sending to my two teenaged nieces in Utah. Thanks Laura! A very timely prize for my nieces, I must say.

OMG I just won something else! But I'm not going to tell you what it is, because after I fondle it and kiss it all over like I'm Gomez Adams and it just said "h'ors d'oeuvres" to me in a husky voice, I just might wipe away the drool and send it to someone for Christmas.

Update: OMG I just won another one! This is one that I was really really hoping to win, not as a fun thing, but as a needed thing. We are planning to homeschool our kids all the way up, and as the date has been approaching to begin it in a more formal sense I have been fraught with anxiety over how to approach it, where to even begin, etc. Well, I just won a bunch of books for homeschooling parents from Summer at Mom is Teaching! A few of them have been on my Amazon wish list for a year or so. I am sooooo happy I won! And I can't believe I've won three giveaways already! I might have to do some extra giveaways myself to share the love and generosity. I feel so warm and fuzzy right now! Hold on, did I just use the word "fraught?"

Let's have some fun. Open up Google and run a search on "Matt Damon high colonic." Guess who's number one? Booyah!

I was going to announce winners for two giveaways today, but there was a problem with the Trendy Tadpole site yesterday, so Julie agreed to extend it. We'll be announcing the winner of that giveaway tomorrow. I will also be starting a new giveaway tomorrow, one I'm rather excited about, so be sure to check back.

And now the moment you've all been waiting for, digging your nails into your palms throughout October, just dying to know who would win that beautimous charm bracelet! The winner is Moving Mama! And as soon as I get her address, I will be mailing off everything I gave away throughout October. Also, as promised, I'm donating all profits from my site throughout the month of October to the Avon Foundation's Breast Cancer Crusade. The total I will be donating is a whopping $35.60! That's right ladies, if you wanna be rich, sell Avon. Step right up, and for only ten bucks I'll show you how.

And now, Aloha Friday. What was your favorite homemade dinner growing up? Mine was split pea soup.

When I was ten or so, my mom took a week long trip somewhere, don't remember where, probably a dancing thing or something. For the first time ever, it was just Dad and the kids. At first, we were excited about all the freedom this entailed, and the junk food! Every night Dad would come home from work with pizza or McDonald's, or pizza. We were unaccustomed to so much junk food however, and the novelty wore off quickly. Finally, I made a desparate move. I called Grandma.

Fearfully, I told on my dad, imploring Grandma to stop the malnutrition madness. We were children of hippies! We needed legumes and carob and flax! I thought I heard a giggle on the other end of the line, but decided my nerves were making me hear things. Simple carbs are no laughing matter.

I dreaded my father's return that night. He would be so upset with me after recieving what was sure to be a frightful lecture from his mother, and I, the perfect child (really, I was), was not accustomed to being at odds with my parents. Would I be spanked? Grounded? Denied books?

When he came home he had a big smile on his face and two bags of groceries. He laughed under his breath as he cooked up a meal, I think it was spaghetti. He never said anything about the phone call, but there was no more junk food that week.

Now that I'm a parent I realize how funny that must have been to my parents and Grandma. To think how scared I was! But to this day, I will face just about anything for a good meal.

A Very Spewky Helloween

The officially authorized photo:

The one they don't want you to see:

The officially authorized photo:

The one they don't want you to see:

Everything bode (boded?) well last night for the quintessential Halloween trick-or-treating experience. The kids took nice long naps. Dinner was ready and eaten ahead of schedule. Brad's boss graciously permitted him to leave early. The evening was cool, but not cold, and it was cloudless and still.

My neighbors had told me that the neighborhood really gets into Halloween, and I believed them. After all, I've never lived in another neighborhood where a one year old's birthday party could turn into a drunken brawl with police involvement, or where so many fireworks were continually set off throughout the 3rd, 4th, and 5th of July that watching people try to drive down the street was like witnessing the Spanish-American War II. The word was that the neighbors in my 4-plex alone spent a cumulative $1,000 on fireworks, and one guy across the street owns a fireworks stand, so you can just imagine what that was like. So rather than export my children to one of those neighborhoods with all the inflatable displays and rumors of full-sized candy bars, we decided to stay put and be true to our neighborhood.

Brad came home to pass out the candy, and the three of us ventured off. It had become a little breezy, so we backtracked to get jackets and set out again. By the time we got to the corner, we had found one house that was giving out candy. I found two more in the next block, out of about 15 houses, and the wind was starting to pick up. Jessamine was cold, so I hoisted her up, holding her with one arm and trying to hang onto Max's hand and the flashlight at the same time.

We went all the way around the block, and found a grand freaking total of five houses handing out candy. Five! The wind got worse and colder and worse and colder. I could see the stop sign ahead that foretold our corner, and relief, bobbing on the distant horizon like a lush desert oasis. Jessamine clung to my neck, shivering, her face shoved into the crook of my neck, and Max trotted along beside me. I had to stop every ten feet or so to redistribute Jessamine's weight, which is about a third of mine. I gave up holding Max's hand and had him hold my shirt tail instead. The freezing wind shoved into us from behind like a slushy machine nozzle in the hands of a demented colonic therapist.

From across the street, I heard someone yell, "Hey! We've got candy over here!" I wanted to give him the bird and shout maniacally like Anthony Hopkins in Legends of the Fall.

So finally we made it home, where the kids dove into their candy, and I tucked into a steaming cup of Sleepytime. And you can bet that if we're still in this apartment next Halloween we'll be selling out to one of the posher neighborhoods. On the bright side, we still have half a bowl of candy, mainly consisting of peanut butter cups. Brad knows how to work the bowl.