Coulda Woulda Shoulda

I only just figured out why witchypoo calls her son Ass Burger Boy. Ass Burger Boy? Asperger Syndrome? Get it? Only took me a month or so to work it out.

I've noticed a lot of people like to say that they have no regrets about their lives. Liars! I think we all have regrets, there are just some people who are better at repressing them, and others still who just like to say they have none because they think it makes them look sane. And then there are those who simply refer to refer to them as lessons learned.

Here are some of my regrets.

1. When I was nine, my mom let me take a book to school with me that she really loved. It was written by a girl my age or so whose parents were rich enough to afford some excellent PR that flooded the media with stories of this "wonder child," this genius, this ingenue who had managed to have a book published at such a tender age. [Honestly the book really wasn't any better than anything any kid that age could write, it was just a fad. That girl's probably driving around in a minivan right now just like everyone else, wondering how on earth she got there (except me, I wouldn't be caught dead in a minivan)]. But my mom loved her copy, and trusted me with it. That day my teacher rearranged our desks, and I found myself sitting next to a boy I had a crush on. I showed him the book, and in typical third grade fashion he asked if he could have it. Of course I gave it to him! It was love! And he never showed any interest in me again. My mom surprisingly put up minimal fuss. Maybe because it was a dumb book after all.

Lesson learned: Don't give away too much on the first date. Keep them wanting more!

2. When I was ten, I auditioned for and was accepted into a local children's choir. Actually, the only reason I auditioned was because a boy I liked (different boy) was also auditioning. He didn't make it. Anyway, this choir had very strict rules, you couldn't miss a single rehearsal. The start of these rehearsals coincided with the pilot of the TV show A.L.F. This was back in the day when only rich people had VCR's, so if I wasn't there to see it, I couldn't see it at all. Each time I came back from a rehearsal my brother and sister would gush and exclaim over what a great show it was, and what a shame it was that I had to miss such excellent entertainment all because of some stupid choir. So what did I do? You guessed it, I quit the choir. To watch A.L.F. Which was a really really stupid show.

Lesson learned: If your siblings get excited about something, be afraid. Clearly this was sabotage. I could have been great! I could have been Britney Spears! Oh wait. Maybe I don't regret this one.

3. I wore this dress to a New Year's Eve party. I was a Mormon at the time, but that's really no excuse. Note the twiggy ankles and the sack-like fit. In public! At a party with celebrities and rich people!

Lesson Learned: If it doesn't fit, don't wear it. If the clothing maufacturers don't believe people your size really exist, have it tailored. Why oh why didn't I wear the red thing with all the feathers and the silver tights??? Oh yeah. Nevermind.




4. In high school and beyond, I've always played it safe. I did my homework, followed all the rules, did everything by the book. I was a freaking band geek for crying out loud! Before it was cool! You know those Choose Your Own Adventure books? I always chose the safe option. And if I wasn't sure which was safer, I'd cheat. I tried to think of something naughty I've done for Ordinary Mom's contest, but couldn't. There were some slightly mischievous things, but nothing that would so much as make your eyes roll. What a boring life I've had! I wonder how I might have turned out if I'd taken more risks.

Lesson learned: What am I, dead? I'm not even 32 yet! Surely I can think of something risky to do, I'll turn my life around right now! Any suggestions? I know! I'll go to the store without make-up. Or maybe I'll say a swear word out loud! Heh. I need to work on this.