How Mad is MadMad?

Diary of a Mad, Mad Housewife is one of my favorite blogs, and one of the top blogs at www.humor-blogs.com. MadMad isn't just funny, she's naturally and consistently funny, a rare thing in this bloggy realm of lolcats and vacuum porn. And she's a great writer.

I was very pleased, and not a little nervous when she consented to be interviewed for my blog. She agreed to meet me at The Flaming Troll, a well-known celeb-blogger hangout.

I got a table in a dark, private corner, ordered a Technortini, and had been waiting for about five minutes when there was a commotion at the door. Throughout the tavern heads turned in anticipation. Someone whispered, "is it Dooce?" "No," a woman hissed back, "it's gotta be Perez Hilton!"

Finally a lone woman struggled through the door, waving politely but dismissively at the paparazzi who attempted to follow her inside. "No comment!" She shouted, before closing the door behind her. There were gasps, one woman fainted. It was MadMad!

She caught my eye behind her inky glasses, and came to the table, sitting down with a loud sigh. She wore a buttery London Fog trench and a fedora pulled low over her forehead, casting her face in shadow.

We exchanged greetings, and she ordered a Feedburger and a cup of Java. And then she began to talk. I was very nervous, and more than a little star-struck, but I did manage to stammer out a few questions before she had to leave.

ML- Are you mad in the American sense or the British?

MM- Both – that’s why I crammed two mads into the title.

Clearly, I am insane, between the voices in my head, the self-esteem issues and the crazy-ass idea that I was somehow going to be able to use my blog - wherein I sell my son off to a crack wh*re, no less! - as a way to show prospective employers I could “work.” They Google my name, and that’s one of the first posts that comes up. It just doesn’t quite sell me as Employee of the Month, you know? Unless of course we were talking about working for Bad Mommies are Us.

And I’m also a fairly angry person. Mostly about the fact that cigarettes are so bad for you. I miss them.

But also about how hard it still is to be a woman today. While men really do more with their children than they ever did – mine probably could take over for me if I wasn’t here - it is still primarily seen as the woman’s responsibility to ensure her kids are fed, dressed, vaccinated, well-behaved and loved (no one, after all, says, Well, you know… his children would be better behaved if he didn’t work such long hours…) while AT THE SAME TIME, holding down a respectable job. BEING someone more than just a cookie-baking PTO volunteering mommy chauffeur. But not too someone-y. Because then we’re ball-breaking witches whose unbathed, misbehaved, badly-clothed children no one wants to play with.

It’s a lot of pressure to put on someone.

Of course, my husband might argue I need a third “mad” in there – to describe the CRAZY AND ANGRY I get when he does something like spill chicken juice all over the refrigerator… and just. walks. away. It IS quite scary.

ML- When Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned, you applied for his job. Did anything ever come of that?

MM- It’s something I still have a hard time discussing, Marie. Such heartbreak. I was forced to withdraw from consideration after background checks during the congressional hearings uncovered my prior associations with some unsavory characters, such as my future daughter-in-law, the crack wh*re I mentioned earlier.

ML- You make no secret of your fear and loathing of kids' crafts (and I completely agree with everything you've said on the subject), but you yourself are a knitter. Have you ever tried teaching your kids to knit?

MM- Mine and others’! Knitting isn’t just any old craft – it’s a great distraction for amusing a playdate: it isn’t messy, the kid can’t jump on your furniture, torture your dog or break his neck falling off your playset. Best of all, it requires the use of both hands, so he can’t pick his nose and wipe it under your table!

ML- Have you ever used your knitting needles for evil?

MM- Pretty much every time I give a gift of my knitted items, Marie. I’m fairly certain the idea of having to wear what I’ve made in public has made some recipients cry.

ML- You have both a beach house and a housekeeper with a kleenex origami fetish, and sometimes you get flack for these things. How does that make you feel?

MM- You know what? It IS embarrassing that I whine so much. I need to grow the hell up. There’s people starving in India, Marie. Hell, starving right here at home, and I should just shut up already or go to my room this instant. And just who do I think I am, Missy?!

Thankfully, most of my readers are kind, understanding people, who visit me the way you might visit an ailing relative in a nursing home. Pure generosity of spirit.

ML- You described your Perfect Day, and I couldn't help noticing that this day did not include any blogging activity. Why do you think that is?

MM- Musta been the crack, Marie. There’s just no other explanation.

ML- You recently expressed dismay at the prospect of aging. Is there anything about aging that you look forward to?

MM- I don’t really hate aging – in many ways, this is a great time of life. I just hate the claustrophobic feeling I get, knowing that many of my choices have already been made – I’m never going to be President or Oprah or Nicole Kidman or an Olympic athlete or a surfboard champion or even, for that matter, while we’re on the topic, wear a bikini again.

At that moment, MadMad's agent dashed in and whisked her away to another appointment. I completely forgot to get her autograph! I did, however, tuck the remains of her Feedburger into a napkin, and put it up for sale on eBay the moment I got home. I'm going to be rich!

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