Craptastic.

Okay, I forgot it was Tuesday. But I really don't feel like being tickled, so it's just as well.

I've been sick non-stop since October. First it was a prolonged cough, then pneumonia and pleurisy, then pregnancy, and then, just as I was beginning to feel somewhat normal again, despite the continued cough and pregnancy, my whole family had the stomach flu this weekend. I don't have it anymore physically, but I've got it in my soul. Extended illness with no reprieve of any kind will eventually effect even the most chronically happy person.

We interviewed our 3,456th midwife on Wednesday, and like all the others, it went great. Like all the others she gave us a folder of information to take home. Like all the others, when we called two days later to ask a question about her payment schedule / vitamin recommendation / favorite color, she regretted to inform us that she had decided to go "traveling" on my due date.

I don't just pity myself, I pity every expectant mother in Albuquerque. Because NO FREAKING MIDWIFE IN THE ENTIRE FREAKING TOWN IS FREAKING AVAILABLE. In late September, early October, the hospitals will be beseiged by angry hippies. But I tell you, I will go without prenatal care and squat down in my own bathtub if I have to, and that's looking like more and more of a certainty every day. I cannot possibly express to you the extent of my despair. Sure, I've been rejected before, who hasn't? But to be rejected by the entire midwifery community of one the the largest cities in the South-West???? In the state that leads the nation in midwifery, with over 30% of babies born at home to a midwife???? WTF???????

My morning sickness has gone from a manageable discomfort to a digestive iron maiden. I can't bear to even look at food, or even the word food. And I just typed it twice, so you can imagine how I feel right now. Here are the things I can eat: yogurt, cottage cheese, bananas, applesauce, saltines, fried eggs, and lightly buttered toast. Not a single other thing, and I have the feeling eggs are on their way out. I can only drink tea or water. I haven't been able to cook dinner for my family in nearly a week. My refrigerator is full of tubs of leftovers that grow fuzzy appendages and haunt my dreams.

My home could be scarier, I expect. The kids are the worst part, there's been a mutiny and I didn't put up much of a fuss. It's Lord of the Flies, and I'm the pig head. It was a pig head, right?

I get in the shower, barely able to stand, and want to cry when I see how far away the shampoo bottle is.

I've actually been having Brad do the grocery shopping. Brad, who works 80 hours a week and so hardly has the time, and buys the bulk size of everything. Anyone need some fresh sliced mushrooms?

I haven't been able to read any blogs, I've barely been on the computer at all. Shocking, I know.

Over the last couple weeks I noticed that a lot of bloggers are going through a period of uncertainty. Some have run out of topics, some have lost their motivation, some are discouraged by their stats. I don't even look at my stats anymore, except to update the keyword analysis in my sidebar. Evaluating your blog through your stats is like evaluating yourself as a person relying entirely on the photo and information on your driver's license. Neither a full nor a flattering picture.

We are so much more than our blogs, but we want our blogs to reflect who we are- but in a good way, without revealing too much of the uncomfortable stuff- and to... what? Make money? Make friends? Get a book deal? Win a popularity contest?

Personally I don't know what I'm after. I'm just a habitual blogger. Money would be nice, but then I'd have to have ads and such, which I hate. Friends are always good to have. I wouldn't know what to do with a book deal, I'd go into such a state of panic my family would have to commit me for once and all. Popularity leads to expectations no one can live up to.

So to all my bloggy buddies out there- stop looking at your stats and just blog. Be yourself, let it all hang out. Well, not all of it. But you know. If you need to take a break, take a break. The blogosphere isn't going anywhere. And if you know any lay midwives in Albuquerque and are willing to plead my case with them, you are more than welcome to do so.

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