I am not a sap. I am the opposite of sap; I am a cold, hard resin in which fossilized insects are forever entombed, mandibles agape with horror. Lovely and endearing to be sure, but I lack the weepy gene so commonly attributed to my gender.
See? Here's my karyotype:
I'm not a completely unemotional person mind you, I'm just not one to burst into tears at things that seem perfectly normal to me. Example. At Jessamine's ultrasound, the technician told us the baby was a girl, then sighed and intoned, "isn't she beoooooooootiful?" Then turned to look at me, waiting for me to burst into tears, tissue at hand. Brad and I looked at each other. The tech cleared her throat. There was an uncomfortable silence. "Right," she finally said, "let's move along."
When Jessamine was born, I leaned back against the wall of the tub, exhausted. The midwife laid the baby on my shoulder to face me, both of us still in the water, and stepped back to let us have our moment. I stared at Jessamine's fat little red face. There she was. Now could I just sleep please? In contrast, I hear stories and see videos of women bursting into sobs when they hold their babies for the first time. I don't understand it. I knew I was having a baby, why would I cry? What's the big surprise?
Now when Max was a baby, I cried plenty. But not out of excess of beauty and sunshine. I cried because I couldn't get the kid to nurse, and because people were bossing me around, and because we were facing a trans-continental move to be near people and places completely alien to me.
I feel love, absolutely. But not mush.
And therefore I cannot do prenatal yoga.
I finally got my prenatal yoga video in the mail. I chose this video particularly because there was a distinct lack of cheese in the packaging, synopsis, and reviews. I have had bad experiences with prenatal yoga and wanted to be sure this time.
So I put in the video, and the first thing I see is a blond woman with a sappy smile tattooed to her face. "Yeah, yeah yeah," I thought, as she droned on and on about checking with one's physician before undertaking any exercise, trying altered poses at different stages, using blocks and straps. My eyes glazed over and I waited for the exercise to begin, but then I heard her say "bonding with your baby." She tipped her chin down as she said it, and her eyes glowed with unshed tears of pure estrogen. Uh-oh.
I skipped forward through a few scenes. Women laying on the floor. Women sitting in chairs with their hands folded. Women laying on the floor with their legs up on the chairs. They call this yoga? Women sitting cross-legged on the floor, eyes closed, hands grasping their bellies. Presumed bonding. Then I hear the blond's voice again, "now squeeze... and release. And squeeeeeeze... and release." WTF? Then it dawned on me. They're doing freaking Kegel exercises!
I have a problem with Kegel exercises. Everyone says to do them, that if you don't you will be unable to hold your urine after having a baby. This, my friends, is a myth perpetuation by sadistic OB/GYN's that have been so frustrated by the women's movement that they've been forced to find alternate means to oppress women. They sit there at night watching Hillary Clinton on the news, then they chuckle to themselves and say "you go right ahead and run for president Missy, but we're upping your PAPs to twice a year, adding a colonoscopy, and prescribing 100 Kegels a day. Wouldn't want to wee your power suit, eh? MWAHAHAHAHA!"
And there are no proven benefits. It's like saying that if you squeeze your sphincter several times a day you will never become incontinent, and will in fact poop more effectively henceforth. Bear in mind: men cannot do Kegels. And yet women are not the only ones shopping the disposable undergarment aisle.
That aside, even if I did believe in the power of the Kegel, would I need a freaking video to guide me through them? Do I need a drippy blond with a perineum of steel to help me bond with my baby? No! What I do need is exercise. So I'm sticking to my stretching and resistance tubing, prescribed to me by Barb. While all the other new moms are sitting on donut pillows and sobbing into newly filled receiving blankets, I'll be lying in a tub of heated water, letting my admiring gaze alternate between the face of my new baby and my buff arms. Fo shizzle!
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I love yoga, but not sappy yoga. Yoga videos make me ill. Even yogis who are really funny and interesting in person (like Rodney Yee) feel they have to sound like robots on pot when they do a video.
I've wanted to do yoga for years, but haven't gotten up off my ever-increasing butt to do anything about it. Oh I bought the videos, but you're both right. Unwatchable.
May I call you Amber?
I think a more accurate phrase might be "men will not do Kegals." Because technically we can. I'm doing some right now.
Let me guess...you bought Shiva Rae's prenatal yoga video. Anything Shiva Rae makes me gag. THere are some good prenatal yoga videos out there, but I always did my own practice, so there. I didn't cry after the birth of any of my kids either. Of course, they were (unfortunately) all cut out of me, so I was just glad to get it all over with.
Are you keeping anything down yet?
Hope you are well.
What about a class where you can give the instructor the death ray look if she gets sappy?
I felt bad when I didn't cry when my kids were born. I am just not that sappy like you said. After my first was born and I didn't cry I really thought I'd be a horrible mom. But I do the I love you's and kisses and hugs, so I don't worry anymore.
Now I was a crier (hormonally speaking)during pregnancy. I found my self crying so hard watching a documentary of Leopards and Lions, when the lions killed the leopard. I swore off documentaries after that episode.
The doughboy, too funny! Get it made into a shirt and wear it whenever you go out. ;P
Love the dough boy cartoon. I always wanted to ask the guys who wanted to touch my prego tummy if I could grab their balls.
Seemed fair to me. The only thing that stopped me was that I was afraid that some of them would say 'yes', and those ones were the yucky ones.
It's like you climbed into my head and pulled out my every thought!
I have yet to cry after giving birth, and I feel much more relief than love for a few hours to days.
I can never remember to do Kegels, but I've found that jumping on a trampolinge post-partum is a great indicator of whether or not you need to do some.
My favorite pregnancy tee? "Hands Off The Bump!"
I didn't cry when Emma was born, either. I was too freaking tired at that point. Now I cried when I first found out I was pregnant, but not from happiness. It was more of a "what have I done???" kind of cry.
According to Cosmopolitan magazine, Kegels are also great for your sex life. I crack up every time I read a "sexpert" recommending doing some during sex. I mean, Kegels are the last thing on my mind during sex.
Hah, funny. I used to do kegger excercises back in college...
I think all we siblings are missing the weepy gene. In fact, I'm not sure it exists outside Utah, and this might just be where they make all those sappy videos. You know how they actually discipline kids in other places? Around here, if you even use a non- sappy voice when addressing a child under the age of 10, DCFS shows up. It makes me sick.
I have the mutant weepy gene - where I cry at the sappiest crap UNLESS my children are involved.
"Oh look, that nameless child right there on the television made his very first poopy in the potty” ....boo hoo hoo
vs.
“YOU DID WHAT AND DIDN’T WASH YOUR HANDS???”
That's me - The Hallmark Channel has been banded from the house.
And I didn't cry after the birth of either of my children because, quite frankly, I was just too pissed off about the pain to cry.
no sap here either. i freakin love that pillsbury. it should be on a shirt!
God, I felt so guilty about not doing kegels. Thank you for revealing the truth!!
My first baby, I cried.
My second, I was like, "yup, looks like a baby." And desperately just wanted to go to sleep.
You know, Marie, I love your blog. You're a hoot, but I've got to tell you I love your combox, too. You've got the best commenters (ors?) anywhere. (No mush here, either. Love the doughboy.)
I am a fan of Kegels as I have done the nasty with weemen how have done them and ones who haven't.
I tear up at the end of Star trek 6 and Saving Private Ryan but laugh and yawn all through Beaches.
I cried at my prenatal yoga class when she made all of us MASSAGE EACH OTHER'S FEET.
And Kegels are a good idea if you enjoy jump roping and/or sneezing with dry pants.
I've actually never had anyone try to touch my belly. Maybe it's the "fuck off" I have tattooed across my forehead? Okay, bonus point here, what movie is that loosely quoted from?
Mr. Fab- no, for some reason I only associate that name with a blond 80's cheerleader. But I'm glad you made the connection.
Jeff- okay now, you have to explain how you can do kegels.
Arizona- yes, it is her. But this is not the first prenatal yoga video I have tried, they've all been like that.
psychicgeek- would LOVE to, but transportation and time and etc. necessitate exercising at home at naptime.
Stephanie- there's no escaping the pregnancy tears.
Jenni- immediately post-partum all sorts of stuff would fall out. :P
Jacki- the "what have I done???" didn't hit me until about three months later. And it has never left.
Lisa- I definitely get some great comments.
Old Knudsen- well at your age, I can well imagine. :P
Wendi- that would make me cry too.
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