As I recently mentioned in passing, I have a slot of time each night dedicated to anxiety, worry, and panic. It starts at 2:00 AM and lasts at least an hour, sometimes three or four, depending on how many things I can think up to worry about and how quickly I can reassure or distract myself. This began about eight years ago or so, one endless night when it took Brad six hours to complete a one hour drive on a long stretch of lonely, uninhabited desert road. Although he had a cell phone and knew I was prone to panic attacks, it did not occur to him to call me and let me know he'd decided to stop for a nap. In fact he turned the phone off. And hence began a nightly pattern of wakefulness and worridom.
It starts like this. At 2:00 AM my brain, which never completely shuts off, pulls a worry from its stash, jams it up against my eyelids, and forces them open like a broom handle. OMG, payday's not until next week, and I only have two more bottles of Vitamin Water! I look at the clock, groan, close my eyes and try to go back to sleep, but my brain starts slapping down the worries like a blackjack dealer. OMG, the front end is feeling really loose on the car, and it would cost more to fix than the car is worth. OMG, where are we going to get $2800 for the midwife? OMG, Brad wore brown shoes with black pants and a blue shirt again yesterday. OMG, how on earth am I going to educate my children when I can barely maintain a freaking blog? OMG, I let Max drink an entire bottle of Aquafina at bedtime. What was I thinking?
Every night I go to bed thinking that maybe this is the night I'll sleep all the way through, and every night I disappoint myself. I have developed certain thought processes and breathing exercises and such to stave off the panic, but they only work if I've already begun to worry about something, and they lose their effectiveness over time. The key is to keep the worries snug in their beds where they belong, but they're like newborns, wanting to feed every two hours.
Last night it was looking pretty good for me. It was cold and windy, and I always sleep better when it's cold and can swaddle myself in flannel and down, and when the wind is howling outside like La Llarona, the soundtrack of my childhood in the desert.
BAM! BAM! BAM! My eyes popped open. It wasn't a gun, but it was very loud. It sounded like when the car crashed through our living room, only three times in quick succession. Brad, of course, continued to snore contentedly into a wad of memory foam. I looked at the clock. It was 1:50. Hot damn! I thought about going downstairs or peeking out the window, but what good would that do? How could I possibly ward off an attacker? I waited through about ten minutes of silence, until suddenly the banging recommenced and I could hear people shouting, but not their words.
I woke Brad up. He listened for about two minutes before he began snoring again. I need to learn kung fu or something, I thought. And I need a shotgun.
After a couple of minutes the shouting and banging stopped, silence prevailed, and I was able to panic about more mundane things like money and whether my registration will arrive before it expires and things of that nature. But this time I was actually able to fall asleep again much more quickly. I think the reminder of how violent life can really be, how many people have a heck of a lot more to worry about than I do, actually shamed the worries into silence for once. Of course they'll be back tonight, but maybe they'll have lost some of their potency.
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I hate my 3 AM panics. Things always seem so much scarier in the middle of the night.
I have a great exercise to put your worries where they belong. Contact me and I will share.
I am so sorry for your stress. That sounds scary and frustrating.
What if you wrote down your concerns when you wake up and then put the worries in a box for the morning? Would that help you go back to sleep?
I've tried all the tricks for stopping / putting away the worries. Sometimes it's better to just let them do what they're going to do and hope you can catch a nap.
I've actually come up with some pretty good solutions at 4.
Man, I hate it when my brain won't shut off at night. Literally, some nights it races so fast it is like watching TV in fast-forward mode. My worries are usually about Emma....like if she fell down that day, I start worrying about what if it had been a more serious accident and she had died?
Here's to sweet dreams....
Maybe you could try taking some time to address your worries before you go to bed. Then when you wake up you can dismiss them by saying, "No problem, got that covered already!" Otherwise I would suggest sleeping pills, but I don't think they're a good idea.
I used to be prone to nighttime anxiety attacks. I finally discovered if I stopped balancing my checkbook before bed it helped!
Of course, I still don't sleep, but at least my awake time is less stressed.
its not uncomon in our family to have a busy brain. as a mater of fact, i cannot sleep if i dont have something to think about. when i get a bout of insomnia, i invent a fantasy to think about to knock myself out. last time it was about hacking 4 or 5 remote control helecopters to fly in formation from one remote by jacking the controls to different transmitters. fell asleep before i figured it out.
Maybe yer sleeping on 'bad' memory foam.
mama bird- don't think that would help, I'd actually be giving them physical form. Maybe if I burned them...
Ree- it's true, I have often come up with my best ideas during anxiety hour.
Jeff- I've tried that, but that just moves anxiety hour up a few hours.
Jenni- oh yeah, I learned long ago to balance the bank stuff in the morning, after coffee and with enough time before lunch to regain my appetite.
Jason- that's not a bad idea. I don't think I'd fantasize about helicopters, but I'll have to look into that.
Old Knudsen- it's funny you should say that. My husband sleeps on Tempurpedic, I sleep on Target brand. I prefer the Target brand though, it's fuller and more firm.
Obviously you need to play that song "Don't Worry, Be Happy" over and over all night long. There...that should solve it.
Mekare has been asking me for tips on getting to sleep at night. She's tried the fantasy thing (Jason told me about it a few years back when I was complaining about the same thing), and counting backwards from 500. So we're back to the chamomile tea. Doesn't work for me, though- me and mom are both allergic to it.
Shame...or a shot of whiskey. Whateve works.
:( Sorry you've got to deal with this.
It's funny how common a problem this is - the 2-3 a.m. wake up. I used to do it every night; I have a friend who does, too. Like clockwork. Mine finally stopped when I moved my wake up time to 5:30... (which has its own problems!!!) or enough time passed after the birth of my last child. I think sometimes it's hormonal - but then when you're up, you're up. And fighting neighbors don't help any, do they?
I tend to keep paper & a pen by my bed. I can't get to sleep unless I write all the mindcrud down. If I try to skip it, I am up all night worrying. I hope you find a way to deal with it that works for you, I know how bad it sucks.
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