Big announcement!

I'm so excited to announce the release of my very first novel, The Last Elder!* I've kept this a secret because I didn't want to count my chickens and all that, but it was picked up by Sealand Press last fall, and is now slated for release next month!

I was inspired to write this book after reading The Da Vinci Code, The Last Templar, and The Templar Legacy. The same story was told three times in a row by three different writers, with very similar success. So, I decided, why not me? Only this time, instead of The Vatican, my characters seek to save the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints... or do they seek to destroy it?

Follow Slade, Andromeda, Professor Butters, Elders Pine and Oak, and the sinister Rupert Maddox as they follow a series of clues to locate the very crux of the Mormon faith: the Golden Plates. Here is a brief excerpt for you.

Slade is a former CIA operative who finds himself chasing a trail of decades-old clues hinting at a secret that could shake Utah to its very core.

Andromeda Smythe-Fleetwood is a stunning and buxom freelance photojournalist who seeks to avenge her brother’s gruesome, mysterious death.

Professor Butters is a wealthy salt baron whose family has been in Utah for generations. When his faith is threatened, he turns to Slade for help.

Rupert Maddox left the church in disgrace as a young man, and has sought its demise ever since. Will he succeed?

A long way from the potato fields of Idaho, Elders Pine and Oak didn’t know what they were getting themselves into when they knocked on Andromeda’s door. Now they find themselves swept along in a whirlwind of danger and intrigue unlike anything they’d ever known.

"Is this really it?" Andromeda breathed, scanning the room with her luminous azure eyes. It was airless. Cool. Dank. She shuddered and moved closer to Slade.

"Careful," said Slade, placing a strong, virile hand on her shoulder. "We don't know what's down here."

"If my calculations are correct, this is indeed 'It'," said Professor Butters, adjusting his monocle in the dim torch light. "The secret cellar of Brigham Young. Legend has it that he built this place in order to conceal the Golden Plates, secretly entrusted to him by Joseph Smith as he lay dying in Nauvoo, Illinois, after being gunned down by an angry mob."

"But the room is empty," said Andromeda, her silken eyelashes fluttering like tiny butterflies in a sunlit meadow. "There's nothing here!"

"And that's exactly what they'd want us to think, Andromeda." Slade took the torch from Elder Pine and thrust it manfully into the corners of the small room. "Elder Oak, do you have the Codex?"

"I do," said Elder Oak.

"What is the first cryptogram?"

"Well, it took me several minutes to work out, but I think I've got it. It's a scripture from the Bible."

"A scripture, you say?" Professor Butters peered over the young man's shoulder to see.

"Matthew 4:9."

"Well?" Said Slade, "who's got a Bible?"

"I do," Andromeda extracted a thick volume from her generous décolletage. "It belonged to my brother, Hermes, who was heartlessly tortured to death by Rupert Maddox. I keep it with me always." She caressed its tear-stained cover for a moment before passing it to Elder Pine.

Elder Pine, his rosy cheeks glowing in the subterranean gloom, quickly located the passage and began to read. "And saith unto him, All these things will I give thee, if thou wilt fall down and worship me."

"But what does it mean?" Andromeda gasped.

"Slade, do what it says of course. Fall down." Professor Butters said.

Slade passed the torch to the Professor and threw himself onto the floor.

"Anything?" asked Professor Butters.

"I may have aggravated an old bullet wound, but it doesn't hurt too bad," said Slade, prone on the dusty stone floor.

"I mean do you see anything?" asked the Professor.

"No. What's the next clue?"

"Genesis 48:14," said Elder Oak.

Elder Pine flipped to the page. "And Israel stretched out his right hand, and laid it upon Ephraim's head, who was the younger, and his left hand upon Manasseh's head, guiding his hands wittingly; for Manasseh was the firstborn."

"Okay. He's trying to trick us here," said the Professor. "Traditionally, the firstborn always stood on the father's right. So if Manasseh was on his right, yet he touched him with his left hand, that means he actually crossed his arms as he did this. No wonder Maddox failed! Slade, cross your hands and stretch them out."

"But I'm lying on my-" Slade groaned.

"Do it!" Professor Butters commanded, and Slade obeyed, though with difficulty. "Next!" The Professor said, his excitement fogging his monocle.

"Um... Luke 21:28," said Elder Oak.

"And when these things begin to come to pass, then look up, and lift up your heads; for your redemption draweth nigh." Read Elder Pine.

"You hear that Slade? Look up!" Said the Professor."

"How am I supposed to-"

"Just do it!"

Slade strained to look up, and as he did, something popped in his hip. He was far too manly to cry out in pain, so he grit his teeth and looked upward. "Wait! I see... I see..."

"Aha!" Called a high, nasal voice from the doorway. Everyone except Slade turned to see a tall shadowy figure with a fedora, holding a torch in one hand and a pistol in the other.

"Rupert Maddox!" Andromeda cried. "I thought you were-"

"Dead?" He chuckled. "Indeed, you certainly thought so. It was very difficult for me to stay my breathing as I lay there cuffed to the bedpost, naked but for my prosthetic elbow, my shame exposed for all the emergency personnel to see. And all I could think of was your heaving-"

He was cut short when Andromeda slapped him soundly across the face, her eyes blazing with blue fire and her bosom straining angrily against the delicate fabric of her blouse.

"Andie," he laughed, rubbing his cheek. "No need to be sore with me. Why, I've brought you a gift!" He pulled a scarf from his pocket, long and light and patterned with gold. "I saw it and I thought of you."

She fingered it for a moment, then dropped it with a start. "It's an Hermes! Why, you callous-"

"Now, now," Slade rose and came up behind Andromeda, calming her with his steady presence and his heady smell of leather and man-sweat. "No need to get excited. It's just a piece of cloth, Angelface."

"That's right Andie, it's just a simple piece of cloth. You women, always reading so much into things that are of no consequence." Maddox grinned sickeningly. "Now you!" He pointed his pistol at Slade. "You're going to tell me what you found when you were practicing your yoga just now."

Slade pushed Andromeda behind him, where she clung like a piece of linguine cooked exactly twelve minutes in four quarts of boiling water. "You go ahead and make me." He growled.

Want to read more? You'll have to buy the book!

* I hope you realize this is a parody. I haven't written a book and probably never will.

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