Five things not to ask a pregnant woman.

Usually uttered with a wink and a smile, these questions are generally received about as well as a box of Omaha Steaks delivered to PETA. I know how overpowering the urge can be to say these things. You're standing there at the salad bar, and you feel obligated to make small talk with your pregnant co-worker who's loading up on pickled beets and green jello. But for some reason, rather than commiserating over parking issues or the impending switch from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, you just can't stop staring at that huge belly and something trite just slips out. I've been there. But as a third-time preggo, I've also had to stifle the urge to scream back, "don't you think that's kinda freaking rude?!"

It gets to where I'm afraid to talk to people. They look at me, look at my belly, and a crooked smile begins to form. Their lips begin to part, and I just want to say, "yes, I'm pregnant, but I'm also a plain old human being. Can't we talk about inflation or 'kids these days' or something?" But it's always one of these, and it only gets worse as the pregnancy progresses.

1. Wow, you're really showing, aren't you?

2. Eating for two, eh?

3. Sure you're not having twins?

4. When are you going to have that baby already?

5. You know what causes that, doncha? *wink wink*

So if you are a non-pregnant person and you get that urge, here are some questions to ask that are quite acceptable.

1. When are you due?

2. Have you picked out a name yet? (which is not to be followed by any criticisms or suggestions.)

3. Beautiful day isn't it? (Okay so only the first two are acceptable pregnancy questions. Everything else is just too loaded. But I promised you five things, and I'm going to deliver! No pun intended.)

4. Can you tell me the time?

5. May I buy you some ice cream?

Just stick to those five questions and you should be safe.

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