Dear Googler

Every once in awhile I will update my sidebar to show the various phrases people used to find me via Google. That's always fun. But sometimes I wish there was a way to contact the Googler to enlighten them a bit further.

For example, at least once a day someone asks Google: "Does Quick Fix Synthetic Urine work?" And for each one of those there's another informing Google: "Quick Fix Synthetic Urine made me fail my drug test!" If only I could put these two groups together. In the meantime I can only hope they will figure out on their own that the whole idea behind synthetic urine, and its dubious origins and purposes, should tell them something about themselves and maybe they should just go home and rethink their lives.

But here are some other questions Google has asked me recently, pertaining to this post.

Is it rude to ask a pregnant woman if it was planned? Not at all. The strange truth is, women want to be asked this question, it gives them an excuse to discuss their private sex lives with others. In fact, many women don't actually realize what causes pregnancy, which is why we have the population problem we have today. You may consider asking the woman, "do you know what causes that?" And then explain it to her, preferably with diagrams and descriptive hand gestures. She will be eternally grateful.

Why do people tell pregnant women that they look big? Because in general pregnant women do look big. It is common knowledge that women lack the spacial visual aptitude of men and therefore rely on others to tell them how big they are. Without this help from the community, they will spend hours in clothing stores trying to determine their correct size, which is why women will often inquire whether a certain article of clothing makes them look fat. It's important to be as honest as possible. It's also very helpful to compare the size of the woman to various animals and buildings to give her a better idea of what to shop for.

Can you tickle pregnant women? Of course you can. In fact it's a great way to get those suicidal tendencies out of your system. For best results, try it in the kitchen next to the knife rack.

Do women have perineums? No. Only men have perineums, because when God created men he fashioned them from the woman's perineum. Which is why women are cursed to bear children in pain and suffering, and which also explains the recent dramatic increase in Cesarean Sections.

Why do men walk away when you tell them you're pregnant? Among the indigenous peoples of Greenland, legends abound of women who, upon becoming pregnant, begin to emit a gaseous substance from their nipples that is toxic to all men. Some men still believe this to be true, and are simply afraid for their lives. There is a preventive measure though, an archaic ceremony involving a poofy white dress, a tuxedo, and the chicken dance.

I hope those Googlers can find this page, and that their questions will finally be answered.

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