The End is Nigh

No, seriously. It is. My wonderful sister-in-law, Sarah, is negotiating my move to my own URL even as I type. I've been packing all day, and I am exhausted!

I'm excited though, moving to a solid URL is kind of like graduating from high school. Will I move on to great things, or will I get knocked up and drop out of beauty college and end up working at Subway?

And then of course there's the merchandising, and that's great. I think we can all agree that if there's one thing this country needs more of, it's merchandise. I've got some ideas for that. A lot of bloggers go into merchandising, but they just don't seem to use their imaginations. Do you really need another logo t-shirt? Mouse pad? Coffee cup? Tote bag? Didn't think so. Honestly, who uses a tote bag anyway? Here's what I'm thinking.

We've got the Memarie Lane flash drive. It can hold up to 2 GB of Memarie schtick! And get this. It doubles as a keychain. I know, goundbreaking, isn't it? Where do I come up with this stuff?


The Memarie Lane osmosis patch, which was actually developed for me by my cousin, the brilliant Dr. Electrica Venue. Now you can have my feed filtered directly into your bloodstream. This patch is revolutionary in that it is also bi-directional, allowing you to leave comments just by thinking about them! Still working on the spell-checker function though.

But that's not all! These patches contain microchips that allow me to track your every move, thought, and blood pressure fluctuation. That helps both of us, because while I have the benefit of controlling your mind and turning you into my evil minion, you get around the clock health monitoring. I'll know you're having a heart attack before your heart does. In fact, I'll know everything!


The Memarie Foam pillow. I know that many of you have fantasized about sleeping with me, and now you can! This is the uncontoured design, I'm still waiting for the contoured prototype. The label on the front is actually a pocket that hides a silk bag full of lavender and flaxseed, which you can throw in the microwave in the winter or in the freezer during the summer. The pillow is actually hollowed out there to prevent lumpiness. So you get the calming scent of lavender, temperature control, and unparalleled comfort. Sleeping with me is a multisensory experience!


And last but not least, the Memarie Lane line of scrapbooking materials, the best way to preserve your MemarieBilia. I don't get the whole scrapbooking craze myself, but a craze it is. So what makes my scrapbooking kits different from everyone else's? Mine consist not of cookie-cutter little frou-frou things, but of actual scraps. Each kit will include:

• Headline letters from my Sunday paper, perfect for assembling the ultimate ransom note
• Canceled stamps from my mail
• Candy bar wrappers (brands may vary)
• Expired coupons
• Hair from my shower drain, which can be braided into decorative cording, tied into lovely bows, or substituted for lost baby locks.

I have more ideas still in zygote status as well. Right now I'm working on a collaboration with Krispy Kreme and Dairy Queen to design my very own ice cream / donut dish, a project very close to my heart. I've also got some irons in the fire with Breyers and Stouffers for a line of frozen dinners just for pregnant women (with flavors like MemarieBerry Cheesecake Swirl and Frosted Brownie Pretzel Cream Pie), and here's the kicker: no cooking is necessary! You just open the box straight from the freezer and dive in. Each meal contains 25% of the recommended daily allowance of calcium. Why no one else has thought of this is beyond me.

So there you have it, I'll let you know when the new site is fully operational. And I'll be adding a Suggestion Box for more merchandising ideas. If I use your idea, you'll get a free subscription!

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