Disclaimer: This interview contains profanity, much of which can be considered gratuitous. I thought about censoring it, but decided that would be both unfair and unwise, as the interview needs to reflect the true nature of the blog. Wouldn't want you to go over there and be shocked by the obscenities if you're unaccustomed. ;)
I know, I know. I said I wasn’t going to. But I found myself at Babies R Us, looking at bouncy seats and travel systems. I did have an excuse, if that helps. The clasp of Jessamine’s car seat had broken and Babies R Us was the only place I knew of to find a replacement.
So there I was musing over tiny socks when I couldn’t help but overhear a commotion nearby. There was a customer holding up a green sleeper with yellow ducks appliqued on it, waving it around in the face of a bored looking employee.
“What the hell is wrong with these people?” The customer demanded to know. “How am I supposed to know what to get them if they haven’t got the common courtesy to find out the baby's gender? They want it to be a surprise? Okay, if that's what they want, I’ll give them a surprise!”
She draped the outfit over the salesgirl’s shoulder and began angrily rooting around in her (very fashionable) bag.
“I’m sorry ma’am,” said the salesgirl, not sounding very sorry at all,”If they didn’t register with us there’s really not a whole lot we can do.”
The customer looked up again at the salesgirl with a gaze so intense she was forced to back away.
I’m one of those people that always feels compelled to help in situations like this, often inadvertently leading people to believe I’m an employee because I generally turn out to be more helpful than anyone that’s actually getting paid to be helpful.
“Excuse me,” I said, “maybe I can help you out.”
The customer turned her lethal gaze on me, giving the salesgirl the opportunity to flee.
“Baby shower?” I asked.
“Unfortunately,” she replied. “I don’t have kids, I don’t know what the hell to buy, and I have to be there in an hour.”
Ten minutes later we were in the parking lot, doing a quick wrap job on two books; What to Expect the First Year and Nanny 911 : Expert Advice for all Your Parenting Emergencies.
“God,” she said, “I don’t know how to thank you. You saved my life. I’m Cookiebitch.”
She stuck her hand out, and I shook it. “I know you!” I exclaimed, “I subscribe to your blog. I love it! I’m Memarie Lane.”
“Right!” She said, “I should have known from your shoes. No one else still wears socks and Birkenstocks do they?”
I sniggered politely, looking down at my comfortably clad feet.
“Look, I still have half an hour to kill, and God knows I don’t want to be early,” said Cookiebitch. “You want to go get some coffee with me?”
I needed to get home, but one does not say “no” to Cookiebitch. If one wants to survive. So off we went. I was glad to get the chance to talk to her about her blog anyway, there were many things I was curious about. So we found a comfortable seat near the fake fireplace -after Cookiebitch employed a rolled up magazine to forcibly remove two accountant types who had been ensconced there- and had a nice talk.
ML- Though you have much respect for vaginas, you're not interested in getting to know them. I am with you on this 100%. So how do you feel about penises?
CB- They aren't the prettiest things, and I wouldn't go out of my way to look at different ones, much like I wouldn't go out of my way to look at vaginas, preferring just to know they are there if needed. But like vaginas, I appreciate and respect penises from an engineering standpoint in that when used properly, they can bring a lot of pleasure. And let's face it, they interlock with vaginas quite nicely. It seems a shame to have interlocking parts and not interlock them. Which is why I hold one penis, in particular, in high regard. I also believe that like anything, it matters how you take care of said penis or vagina. For example, if you can hide a Volkswagon in the pubic hair surrounding it, people are probably going to be much less willing to "get to know them," so to speak. That shit is just WRONG.
ML- You have no interest in bearing your own child, and I think the majority of us parents can sympathize with your reasoning. How would you react if you got pregnant, however unlikely that may be?
CB- Funny you should ask this, because just the other night my husband and I got into just this topic. And if I were to become pregnant at this stage of my life - in which I'm in a stable relationship, making a good income and with my head basically on my shoulders (although on occasion it does slide down to my waist) I would have the child and embrace being a parent as best as I could. My husband would do the same, he tells me. This does not, by any stretch of the imagination, however, mean I'm going to stop taking birth control. Neither of our plans include having a child. But life has a habit of changing even the best laid plans at times - and if it did in this case, we would take it as a sign that it was meant to be. All this talk of having kids is making me nervous tho, and I believe I may make my husband wear a rubber suit before he touches me from now on.
ML- You had an unpleasant experience with Spanx. I tried their bra-lellujah once, and it was awful, first time I ever actually returned a bra. And I'd had such high hopes for it. Your breasts are famous in three counties. Do you have a favorite bra to recommend, or any other bra-related advice to share?
CB- First, thank you for acknowledging my breasts. They appreciate it. Second, sorry about your experience with the Spanx bra. That's one sadistic brand. If we made terrorists wear them, they'd surrendor in no time and the war would be over.Third, I wear bras mostly from Victoria's Secret or Lane Bryant. Lane Bryant has larger sizes for bigger boobs, while at Vicky's it is hard to buy bras larger than a 38 C sometimes.But the best advice I have, no matter how embarrassing it may be, is to get a professional bra fitting. Because it really makes a difference. I was wearing a 40 D for the longest time and feeling pinched yet unsupported. After a bra fitting, I found out I was a 42 C and now the girls are happy and comfortable and singing show tunes. So let that woman with a measuring tape go into the dressing room with you and feel you up. It's worth it. But maybe make her buy you a drink first.
ML- What is your favorite convenience food and why?
CB- I live in California, so I have a real passion for very good Mexican food which is quite common here. There is one restaurant in particular near my house that is run by a family and serves fast, but authentic, Mexican food. It's like convenience food, because it is convenient (and has a drive thru) but it doesn't taste like ass. And they have breakfast burritos for $3, so when you are hungover from the night before, you can sop up the alcohol with some chorizo and eggs. Another one is Sonic Burger - their deep fried macoroni and cheese will make you cry it is so good. And of course, if you just have time to run into a grocery store and grab dinner, Ben and Jerry's Chunky Monkey or Cherry Garcia makes for a very satisfying meal.
ML- You have been witness to donut frenzies that rival the great locust swarms of 1875. You seem unusually detatched in your description of this phenomenon, as though you yourself are immune to donuts. How can you describe maple bars and crullers with such non-chalance? And what is your donut of choice?
CB- Ah donuts ... I can probably describe them with detachment because up until about one year ago, I couldn't stand them. When I was in college, I worked at a bakery, and had to fry the donuts every morning at some unholy hour like 4 a.m. When you spoon goop that looks the same as lard into a vat of dirty grease, you tend to think of donuts in a different way. It took me about 12 years before I felt I didn't have donut grease on me anymore, either. Now that that experience is further behind me, I have just recently been able to look at an Old Fashioned and Apple Fritter with respect again. The rest still don't do it for me, tho. Which saves me a lot of scar tissue when others fight over them Friday mornings at work.
ML- Let's assume Dante's model of hell. Your eternal punishment fits your earthly vices. If you went to hell, what do you think you'd be stuck doing for all eternity?
CB- Interesting question, Marie. I'd have to say I'd probably be wearing clogs and driving a mini van full of children wiping their snot on me. The van would have happy face stickers on it, and I would be forced to listen to Disney songs, or Barry Manilow music, at all times. I'd probably also work as a greeter for WalMart, and would only be allowed to wear polyester and eat tofu. Finally, my hell would have no tequila and no vibrators. But strangely, it would be full of people who loved to hug me. I don't want to talk about this anymore, Marie. I'm gonna have nightmares.
And then it was time for her to go. She sighed resignedly and left, but not before advising me on which shoes might be best for my body type and budget, and to lose the wool socks, for Pete's sake. Only she said something a tad stronger than "for Pete's sake."
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